Wednesday, 1 February 2012

The Narcissist's Grandiosity Game


I’ve received about 760 comments on this blog, and in that pile maybe six posters stood out as being personality disordered. Though they all had different writing styles, varying tones, and points of view, their comments all conveyed the same message: I am superior and you are inferior. I made an example of Annoying Anonymous and Cosmic Girl, but there were others. None of these abusive commenters came right out and said, “I am special, and all knowing and powerful. You are my inferior.” Instead they used other strategies and tactics to vaunt themselves.  Take the case of Annoying Anonymous who swooped in like some “enlightened” guru and proceeded to use subtle shaming techniques (among other things) to tell us we’re not good enough. But she of course, was not only good enough; she was special, enlightened and highly evolved as a human being. If only we poor, pathetic ACoNs could catch-up to such a fine example of humanity.  
Here’s another example of a commenter’s grandiosity - different style, same message: I am all knowing and powerful, and above you poor shmucks who are weak, defective and less than worthless.
Kimani said….
“I am really sorry if I came off as insensitive to what all of you've been forced to go thru. Its bad enough that stuff like this is allowed to go on but its absolutely frustrating to see so many of these wrongs go unrighted. I really wish there was something more tangible that I could do myself but I'm limited to just dealing w/ the small little problems in my vicinity. I hate that the world is so full of self-absorbed cowards who actually feel *relieved* instead of outraged when they hear of injustices like the ones you guys were put thru. Its sickening and perverse to me to see good people left feeling broken and dis-empowered while the decrepit little shits that did this to them are allowed to die of old age. I know a lot of the posts sound like a bunch of arrogant pontificating but they're just my clumsy frustrated attempts to light a fire in the bellies of people who've been told from day one that they are weak, defective and less than worthless. My words are the only thing I can give to you =/” 
I never posted the abusive comment from Kimani. In fact, I didn’t respond to it at all. By ignoring the comment, I incited her narcissistic rage. Here is the comment from her that followed:
By Kimani on The Story of Anonymous - 3 at 09:10
After giving it some thought I just realized: Why the hell am I apologizing to you for telling the *TRUTH*?? Your reaction had more to do with defending the sacred cow of your victim-hood (i.e. blanket immunity from all criticism and responsibility) than setting healthy boundaries. Yes, your parents were evil fucks, and yes, you were WRONGED in the worse kind of way but that doesn't give you carte blanche to attack people that you know damn well don't mean you any harm. If you wanna keep convincing yourself that evil scum like your MN-parents are invincible demon gods and continue licking your wounds until they turn septic fine; have at it. I retract my apology and leave you to it.
I’ve posted these comments because devaluing others (even while hiding behind a guise of false concern or flattery) is the way narcissists aggrandize themselves, and grandiosity is the essence of narcissistic abuse: Narcissists puff themselves up by putting you down. They raise themselves by lowering you. They bolster their ego by diminishing your self-worth. Narcissists play the grandiosity game in every interaction.  Of course, the narcissist’s grandiosity is just a game of pretend because they only identify with their image not their true selves. They don’t care about being good; they just want to “appear” good. They are vandals, liars and frauds and they go about glorifying their “image” NOT by developing virtues of their own, but by debasing others.  
This game of one-upmanship happens in every interaction with a narcissist… so beware. Narcissists do not relate to others as equals, they relate to others from a position above. Needless to say, being so high and mighty and being unable to relate to us lowly peons (literal translation: pee on) makes it impossible for them to empathize with us. Because isn’t that what empathy is – relating?

***Kathy Krajco wrote:
"I have known narcissists that would strike you as anything but grandiose, vain, and haughty. They kept their immodesty well hidden behind a cloak of false modesty. You can still detect it though if you're observant, because covert and subtle grandiosity shows in the inappropriate way narcissists relate to others from above as their judge. Presumptuous expectations, however subtley expressed are sugared over with feigned humility. It shows in the narcissist's bragging, however subtle and left handed."  

*** I’ve summarized the following from Kathy Krajco’s “What Makes Narcissists Tick” and “The Teeter Totter Game.” It’s such a good chapter, but too long to post, so I just pulled out key points to summarize. The Teeter Totter Game refers to the narcissist demeaning others as much as possible, because the lower the narcissist brings others, the higher the narcissist brings themself. ***
v  The Rules
The easy way for the narcissist to look good is to look good by comparison. For example:
·         The easy way to look strong is to make those around you look weak.
·         The easy way to look smart is to make those around you look stupid.
·         The easy way to look important is to make those around you look insignificant.
·         The easy way to look honest is to make those around you look dishonest.
·         The easy way to make you look clean is to make those around you look dirty.
·         The easy way to look superior is to make those around you look inferior.
And on and on. This is the Teeter Totter Game. Aggrandize yourself by devaluing someone else.
We all know that this is not reality, but don’t try to make a narcissist understand that. Nothing is absolute in the narcissist’s world = everything is relative, relative to the narcissist – even TRUTH.
So the lower he demeans others, the higher he brings himself. This explains why narcissists usually treat their own immediate family the worst. There are few outside the immediate family whom the narcissist dares to abuse so badly and treat like dirt. So, spouse and children are valuable for this use. They are worth every penny it costs to support them, and raise them, because the narcissist gets the biggest step up on them.
Not everyone playing the Teeter Totter Game is a malignant narcissist. Normal people sometimes play it against people they resent or dislike. Normal people also dish it back to a narcissist, thinking to teach him a lesson or beat him at his own game. But what distinguishes the person with NPD is that, in him, the Teeter Totter Game is like a knee jerk reaction and seems compulsive. Indeed narcissists dish it out like machines, indiscriminately – with a few noteworthy exceptions:
·         They never do it to anyone they risk retribution from.
·         They never do it to anyone they can aggrandize themselves by association (a feared boss, a V.I.P. or anyone with power).
·         They never do it to anyone they’re “courting,” setting-up, conning (a potential mate or business partner or some other host they will parasitize).
Which makes the narcissist’s intent clear: everything he does is all about glorifying his image, period. Whether he raises or lowers a person, he does so for his own aggrandizement.
So, narcissists obviously do know what they’re doing and can control it; they just don’t unless that person might punch them in the nose or they might better exploit a particular person in a positive way. What’s more, the more vulnerable and defenceless the target, the worse the abuse. So, his/her chief targets for abuse are those who would be a normal person’s last targets – his/her own children, spouse, siblings and others near and dear. (Yes, they are near and dear because the narcissist needs punching bags.) Note: the narcissists is behaving like a predator and targeting easy prey, not anyone he/she has any reason for animosity toward.
Bucking this abuse, either through protest or through an appeal to reason or an appeal to the narcissist’s heart, just touches off the typical Narcissistic Rage. Which is essentially an irrational and violent temper tantrum, such as a spoiled brat throws to make you shut up and let him have his way. It’s a fog horn he blows to drown you out, blocking communication, so that you just shut up and submit to Teeter Totter abuse because the only thing more obnoxious is the way he acts when you try to get him to stop.
In interactions with the person he devalues, the narcissist denies many things, like acknowledgement of rights, credit, gratitude, and so forth. But these are just different ways of denying gratification. Often those denied it eventually come right out and ask for what they want from the narcissist. For example:  Did you like the dinner? Do I look nice? I need someone to talk to. This appeal would prompt a normal person to give it up. But it prompts a narcissist to withhold like a child withholds a toy that another child asks for.

v  Physical Abuse/Bullying
One of the first, and least sophisticated, ways a narcissist pretends to be greater than you is by vaunting him or herself on you to degrade by physical abuse. The message is clear: I raise myself by lowering you.
It’s the psychological aspect of the abuse that hurts most, even in this unsophisticated form of physical narcissistic abuse.  The narcissist can’t devalue his/her target enough, because the more the narcissist does, the more he/she is pretending to aggrandize him or herself. So, the narcissist even forces the victim to their knees and rubs their face in excrement to aggrandize him/her as much as humanly possible. Oooh, does that make the narcissist feel grand.
But most narcissists learn more sophisticated, and safer, ways to do the same thing. Subtly, so as to avoid arrest and prosecution.
v  Refuse to Acknowledge Your Presence
Why elevate yourself just a little by devaluing others a little, when you can elevate yourself all the way to God status by devaluing others all the way to zero? All you have to do is make nothing of them. Act like they aren’t there. Unsee, unhear them. Pay no more attention to them than you would a fly on the wall. That’s a powerful way of pretending that they are beneath your notice, which makes you God Almighty. By treating you as just another face in the crowd of “the unwashed masses” the narcissist says, “You aren’t worthy of my notice.” Or “You are so insignificant that I don’t recognize you.” Either way, he’s exalting you at his expense: you are beneath Superman’s notice. (I wrote in a blog post about how my N dad said he didn’t recognize me walking down the street, 15 minutes after leaving his company. To not recognize me, showed me just how insignificant I am.  Just another face in the crowd.)
Note: The narcissist’s withholding is an expression of aggression that we should pay attention to our instincts about.
v  Denigrate Other
A narcissist speaks of others in a way nobody wishes to be spoken of. That is, the narcissist speaks of others in a way that damages their image. Narcissists do this on the premise that making others look bad makes them look good by comparison. Often the detraction is camouflaged in subtlety, left-handed, couched in innuendo and heavily perfumed to smell like innocent humor or “concern.” Concern, especially “Christian concern,” is the really putrid disguise for slander, the one that makes you want to puke. If you ever catch wind of a bunch of people going around expressing Christian concern about one of their members, look out, there’s about to be a crucifixion.  And nine times out of ten there is at least one malignant narcissist orchestrating it.
So for disguise, narcissists often denigrate others by damning with faint praise or betraying with a kiss. Sometimes they come out smelling like a rose by always sprinkling rotten offerings with incense like I don’t want to sound, but… Or I don’t want to look, but… Or I don’t want to seem, but… And then they proceed to BE exactly what they’d just said they didn’t want to sound or look or seem. It makes you want to go off like Hamlet and cry, “Seems, madam! Nay, it IS! I know not seems.”  
Under such phony disguises, the narcissist vandal keeps chipping away at another person’s image till the cumulative effect has so marred it that nobody thinks well of that person. Detraction is just another way of playing the Teeter-Totter Game.
v  Devaluing Help
Because narcissists can’t get enough attention, because they need it all, a narcissist’s middle name is Needy. But being needy is anti-grandiose. So narcissists must delude themselves into thinking they are the opposite, self-sufficient. And they must project infinite neediness off onto others. So, narcissists suck your attention and help, but they never ask for it, and they never accept it when offered. In their world, a work of fiction, they need nothing. Also, they don’t pay their way. That is, they deny what they owe you in return for your attention and help – credit, appreciation. Then these deadbeats view you wanting what they owe you as (of all things) NEEDINESS in you! Narcissists are averse to saying a simple “thank you” because they don’t think others have the right to decent treatment from them. That’s because they gotta have it all, so they fight tooth and nail over every ounce of gratification in a social transaction.

v  Belittling Ability & Achievement
Narcissists must be the greatest, so they can’t let anyone be higher than them on that Teeter-Totter. Are you outstanding for your intelligence? Or have you done something brilliant? One narcissist I know of was sure to show how fair-minded he was by granting that you were “knowledgeable.” For, of course, any idiot can learn enough about something to be knowledgeable. Of course, the main way narcissists devalue work, abilities, and achievement is by total blindness to them. As if that annihilates them. Get wild applause compared to him and he will be totally unaware of that. Though the knife will be in your back the next day. For, by shining you have diminished the glow of the narcissist’s glory.
v  Refusing to Acknowledge Rights
Only special treatment is good enough for the narcissist, but nobody else deserves any consideration at all. Say for example, you are victimized by some powerful person or institution in a way that would outrage any normal friend or loved on. Expect no comfort or support from the narcissist. The narcissist will not acknowledge that you have any rights that were violated. In fact, to rub your face in the zero valuation of you, the narcissist will stay, or get, on good terms with that employer, institution or person.
Thus, he betrays you with a kiss by associating with your wrongful mortal enemy. As if he just doesn’t see what might be wrong with that. Making nothing of crimes against a person makes nothing of that person. If you don’t like this devaluation and ask the narcissist to at least admit you have rights and have been wronged, he will do what narcissists always do whenever you try and pry regard from them: he will make himself the offended party whose rights are being violated and throw a temper tantrum.
v 
Whew! Those are some examples of how the narcissist plays the Teeter Totter game, and I can relate to every last one of them. Narcissists NEED to put us down in every interaction. They NEED to position us beneath them in order to feed their delusions that they are above us.  And we need to be watchful of this type of behaviour so we can catch narcissistic abuse while it is occurring in real-time. Like Kathy K said, normal people also do this, but I believe normal people do it consciously or sometimes by mistake. And if they offend you, they prove they meant no disrespect by stopping and apologizing. Narcissists, on the other hand, truly believe that everyone is their inferior so this way of relating to others is just a knee jerk reaction. And the narcissist doesn’t give a damn if they offend you. They will never respect your wishes to treat you with more dignity. In fact, they will probably make a virtue of their abuse and this proves they are not acting on good-will, no matter how they dress it up. Well, I say to hell with that. The narcissist’s grandiose image is a precarious one, so just step off the Teeter-Totter and watch them come crashing down to the ground!     

41 comments:

  1. This post pisses me off. Only because it so has my mother described to a T.
    Would it be considered breaking no contact if all I did was knock on her door and smack her a couple of times and then leave??

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  2. I don't think I'll ever get over Kathy's death - thanks for distilling her thoughts into this most valuable post!

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  3. "Would it be considered breaking no contact if all I did was knock on her door and smack her a couple of times and then leave??" LMAO. This may be worth breaking NC for!

    This whole post also describes my mother to a T. Every last point I can directly relate to because I lived it. There's an example of one of the points that I would like to share just to demonstrate how accurate this really is.

    Devaluing Help - Back when I was ignorant and still treating my MN mother like a human, I knew that she was having financial difficulty to a point where she would have difficulty buying groceries. I used to regularly offer to help her out, but most of the time she would refuse, saying that she had everything under control. The few times that she accepted my help, she did so sheepisly and would come up with something creative to say in lieu of thanking me...I eventually came to learn that this bitch was breaking into my house and stealing food and who knows what else on a regular basis. She actually preferred to go through the trouble of coming over here, finding a way in without being seen, breaking the law, risking a record and being sent to jail all to steal things that I offered to GIVE her? All of this just to keep up the appearance that she was self-sufficient?

    This whole breaking and entering thing has been under my skin for years not only because I felt violated, but because I couldn't figure out why the hell she would do this. It all makes sense, and now I'm even more disgusted!!!

    Anon

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  4. @Upsi, You're welocme! And thanks right back at ya for all your valuable posts. You know, I cried when I learned of Kathy's death. Discovering her blog was like finding the holy grail.

    @q1605, I'm with Anon. It would be worth breaking NC to smack the bitch. Just make sure she doesn't get one word in.

    Anon, I can't think of a better example of devaluing help, than what your mother did. It's unbelievable the lengths she went to to maintain the facade of self-suffiency. She would rather resort to criminal violations against her daughter than accept the help you had to offer. It's so insane!! But so is the N's delusions of God status.

    My N father cannot bring himself to ask for help. I think it would a.) prove he's not an invincible God... and b.) force him to relate to me as an equal. Which he refuses to do. So, instead he does stuff like drop hints, or leave ladders lying around so I have to ask him what he needs done. He would never say, "Lisette could you change that light bulb for me, I can't reach it." No way. He just leaves the ladder out for me to ask him. I offered to help him move once, and instead of saying thank you he said, "mmm hmmm." So when it came time for him to move, I thought he would call me and let me know. But he never did. He expected me to call him. So he moved without my help, and all he said was, "I moved last week, but you weren't there." Of course, I felt guilty. I guess we're supposed to anticipate all their needs because his or her Majesty should never have to lower themselves to ask an inferior for assistance.

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  5. What your father did also sounds familiar. My mother was also the queen of dropping hints, and of course I would fall right into the trap and offer to help. I can't remember a single time where she directly asked me for anything. When she did have to do something on her own because she wouldn't ask for help, she'd start in with the guilt trips. "Oh, my back aches because I had to move the couch all by myself. I only have myself to depend on, so I should be used to it by now." *eye-roll* I used to actually feel guilty because I lacked the psychic ability to anticipate her every need.

    Prior to the breaking into my house incident, I would give my evil mother money here and there. When she'd buy something, she'd make it a point of telling me how she did some extra work to make enough to buy whatever...like the money I gave her sat in a fucking box, collecting dust? The more I think about it, I can't remember a single time where she actually appreciated anything that I did for her, and at one time, I did a whole lot.

    I used to take this as her putting me down - like, "You're worthless and so is your money." It's probably really not that though; it's more of her need to maintain that facade of self-sufficiency.

    Anon

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  6. Anon,
    It's ironic that your mother is the worthless charity case, and you are the self-sufficient helper, but you end up feeling put down and worthless by her refusal to accept your kind offerings. These Ns are such master manipulators.

    Here's another passage from KK's chapter on the Teeter-Totter Game...

    "My own observations lead me to believe that narcissists actually have a great (almost panicky) fear of ever having to admit they need or want anything. Or ever having to express gratitude. They act as though that would be a horrible degradation. He is self-sufficient like God = he cannot ask for anything, and he cannot say "Thank you." An infant whose whole world is but a collection of objects around him, he manipulates them to behave as if his delusion is true. That means YOU. To support his grandiose delusions, you must make sure he never needs to ask for anything."

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  7. Anon. Your mother turned down your offer for help, and just broke into your house and took what she needed anyway.
    HAHAHAH. I hope you will let me laugh with you.
    That's just so fucking crazy.
    That is something my mother would do but for the fact she is too goddamn lazy to jimmy a window open.

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  8. Anon. Thanks for that. About your mother stealing what you had already offered. I am on the beach (between jobs) and the walls are closing in. That really lightened up my day.

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  9. It's funny how these narcs end up telling on themselves. Just like this poster did. The poster was completely discribing her/himself.

    Yep to the Grandiosity Game. I've had narcs play this game when I didn't even know them very well.Usually they were women... I can't stand these freaking people! Narcs, get over YOURSELVES, you're not exceptional...

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  10. Anonymous,
    It IS funny how these narcs end up telling on themselves. Anyone who can't see what is really going on in that poster's so-called apology is likely an abuser too. These online N predators are all the same... they ALWAYS relate to everyone from above, as their judge. They are bossy bossy bossy, intrusive, boundary-busting, pathological control freaks who feel entitled to tell others what to do. Can you imagine how awful they must be in real life?!! They really should just keep their pie holes shut and get over themselves. But like Kathy K wrote, the teeter totter game is like a knee jerk reaction and seems compulsive. They dish it out like machines. That's the only way they sad little freaks know how to relate to us humans. They are so transparent. And they must be deluded to think their shit would work here.

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    1. Yes, the narcs have arrived...Especially the ones who go to church.The pharasees. They think that are at the statis of Gods level. The fact that they even think that is blasphemy. Satan got kicked out of heaven for rebeling against God and wanting to be equal with Him. And we already know what is going to happen with him. Apparently these narcs think that they will get a free pass from God.

      Delete
  11. Q, feel free to laugh all you want. This whole thing is funny because it's so damn crazy!!! This has to be filed under the 'You just can't make this shit up' category.

    Truth be told, my mother is also too lazy to jimmy open a window. Long story short, she found a creative way to steal my key and made herself a copy, then she came up with a brilliant way to get my security code. She did all the hard work in the beginning, then reaped the benefits for over a year by casually walking into my house and taking whatever she wanted. All she had to do was make sure that my neighbors didn't see her, and she had that covered by coming in here at night.

    That feeling of walking into your house, and having something feel off, or looking for something that wasn't where you left it is very creepy to say the least. It's like being gaslit from here to hell all over again.

    Anon

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  12. Hey Anonymous (you know who you are),
    Don't worry, I won't "attack" you. Actually, I passed your comments around to some fellow ACoNs, and we had a damn good laugh. The youtube video was a nice touch, we roared!

    Your abuse was poorly masked. I got your message loud and clear in the first comment. You think there is something wrong with me. I'm on the wrong path. AND, I need therapy. There really was no need for a follow-up comment. The word "concerned" and your stance on therapy said it all. So, you tried... and I stress the word TRIED... to punch me in the head, and then sooth your "intended" violence with a "Huggy" video by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush singing "Don't Give Up."

    You are out of your mind! You think you're on the right path? I guess if you're headed to crazyville you are. I've seen this shtick before and it doesn't work on me. You should know better.

    But thank-you! You reinforced my ANTI-PSYCHIATRY, ANTI-THERAPY position.

    Finally, here's a question. What the hell are you doing on my blog? Riddle me that Troll.

    I know what you're doing. Do you? My guess is, you know EXACTLY what you're doing.

    Keep on moving, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

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  13. I’ve noticed something interesting about know-it-alls (I have known so many!), including the ones who keep posting to your blog, Lisette. And it’s something connected to the usual speaking-from-above, the condescending attitude, covertly abusive communication, and thinking that they know you better than you know yourself. Know-it-alls, in their eagerness to demonstrate that they know it all, consistently miss the main point. They don’t see the big picture, because their own big heads cast a shadow on the view in front of them, and on what would be otherwise obvious if they just sat still for a moment and zipped their lips (but, of course, humility is foreign to them).

    For instance, you’ve had some of them tell you that you’d be better or healthier if you used your time and intelligence to write about something else; there was another who was only, out of the goodness of her heart, trying to “light a fire” in your belly; and, yet another who just knows you need therapy, and so thoughtfully sent you a video to inspire you to not “give up.”

    Which makes me want to say “Hellooo?” Because it is so patently obvious that you are in charge of your own mental health. It is obvious that you have a fire in your belly. It is obvious you are practicing therapy, for yourself and, by extension, others. It is obvious--god, it makes me want to laugh--that you have not given up on yourself. And, the obviousness of these facts lies in the existence of this blog, with your thoughtful, well-researched and creative essays, and the discussions that those essays generate. Yet, it’s this very blog that the know-it-alls are using as their venue to tell you what you need. In essence, they are “suggesting,” ever so benevolently, that you do something healthy, constructive and therapeutic--like authoring a blog!

    It’s like the know-it-alls are standing in the middle of an orange orchard--YOUR orchard, your trees, your fruit--and telling you that what you really need, dear, is more vitamin C in your diet.

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    1. Morag,
      Thank-you for this! You sure know how to connect the dots. Yes. They're using my venue to tell me what I need, which really is about what THEY NEED. It truly is absurd. Humility is foreign to them as is common sense. What continues to blow my mind is that they think their crap will work here. But I guess being oblivious goes hand-in-hand with all those delusions they suffer from.

      Stay out of my orchard Trolls! Grow your own damn organges!

      Delete
  14. Great post on grandiosity, by the way. And, the graphics are just perfect. Do you create those yourself?

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    1. Thanks again! I didn't create those graphics myself, but I'm glad you like them.

      Delete
  15. Here we go with this b.s. once again. People are so "concerned" for you that they are inspired to write some whacked message telling you how your path is so wrong, and how you need therapy. This shit is actually a combination of annoying and amusing all at the same time!

    I really don't understand people. If I thought that you were some jacked up person who was on the wrong path, and I couldn't relate to what you were posting about, I would take my happy ass over to a blog of a person who I felt was on the "right" path and do some reading over there. Never would it occur to me to write you some long-ass message, complete with a corny youtube video, telling you how "wrong" your path was. This asshole seems to be missing a couple of very basic points: It's YOUR path, and YOUR blog, where you express YOUR opinions.

    The "What the hell are you doing on my blog?" question seems to come up a lot, and I almost wish that someone would answer it. I would love to know why someone would *bother* to follow the blog of a person who is on the wrong path, and is in desperate need of therapy.

    Anon

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    1. Anon,
      Thank-you! Yup. This shit is a combo of A-nnoying and A-musing. Maybe we should name these A-nonymous Trolls AAA (triple Assholes!)

      "What the hell are you doing on my blog?" is the million dollar question, and the one thing that sends them running. What are they going to say? I'm here for supply. I'm here to aggrandize myself. I'm here to prey. I'm here to feed. I'm here to silence you. Nope, they will never cop to it, but their comments give them away.

      Delete
  16. Just because someone feels compelled to "pass something on" (like bacteria, viruses, gas, their "crud" etc.) doesn't mean they HAVE TO, but when you're a narc it's a (tactical) "imperative" to inflict themselves on those who they perceive as "in need" (ie, less than their own lofty self-perception and in a truly self-serving fashion.)

    When you're the only one in the room there's no deluding yourself that noxious, smelly emission didn't emanate from YOU. And all the cyber air-freshener (couching your "concerns" in new-age crap, pontificating from "On High" and so forth) won't make it any less odoriferous than if you simply owned your own stuff (which realistically will never happen) and stopped trying to play the "Concerned Other." Your only real "concern" is yourself, your 15 sec. of (in)fame(y) and the absolute rock-solid certainty that permeates the reality of a Narc: "Oh lord it's hard to be humble when I'm perfect in every way."

    Since we grew up with Narcs-YOUR characterlogical reality-we can nail this crap with unfailing accuracy. Expect to be flamed: You poured the fuel and lit the match. We're just observing the Bonfire Of The Vanities brought to us in a truly comedic and oh-so-transparent fashion. If you were engaging in self-immoliation for a cause greater than your own I could respect the commitment; for pure Narc Supply it simply looks obnoxiously foolish.....but good for a few laughs!

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    1. Anonymous,

      Thank-you! Yes! Yes! Yes!

      "when you're a narc it's a (tactical) "imperative" to inflict themselves on those who they perceive as "in need" (ie, less than their own lofty self-perception and in a truly self-serving fashion.)"

      It's abundantly clear that their only real "concern" is for themselves, and their own aggrandizing agenda. Based on what some of these Trolls write, I doubt they've even read much of my blog. Again, they're here to use MY venue to try and lower me/readers and vaunt themselves. They've really got a lot of nerve to think that those of us who grew-up with Narcs (THEIR same characterlogical reality) won't be able to nail them and their crap. But like you said, the "reality" of a narc is... "Oh lord it's hard to be humble when I'm perfect in every way." At least they're good for a few laughs.

      Enjoy the bonfire of YOUR vanities Narcs! Because if you try your crap on this blog, you will get burned.

      Delete
  17. Yes, yes, yes, Morgag! For some reason I didn't see your comment before I posted mine, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered stating similar points in a less eloquent way! lol

    I've always wondered about the graphics too. With every single post, the graphics just seem so perfect...There was a fairly recent one that had me over here snickering big time - the one about the tin foil hats! Classic! lol

    Anon

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  18. Anonymous,
    I'm glad you left your comment (yours and Morag's came in at the same time).

    The tin foil hats is one of my favourites. I think I googled "images insane."

    ReplyDelete
  19. It always makes me feel like I've got a little army behind me when I see how fearlessly you take on the bullshit, Lizette. I'm in awe and a touch envious. :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. I look at your ability to go head-on with all that shit; I tried that approach toomuch and it always ended up harming me. Now that I'm a mom, I refuse to engage in any relationship which does that because it will directly affect my parenting ability and my beloved child. (I'm sorry for the navel-gazing, we had to do all our estate planning and the lengths to make it ironclad that the fucknuts would never have access to my son was almost like living through all that again.)

    Anyway, I'm glad there are people like you who either aren't afraid or
    don't show the fear. As silly as it sounds, it makes me like I'm not
    alone and that I've got an ally in my own efforts to eradicate
    bullshit from my life.

    Since you post so much heads-on descriptions of MN tactics, and I
    think we've both experienced some of the crazy stalking in the past,
    there are 3 wildly off-topic items I wanted to ask you about. Feel
    free to delete these from my comment post, I was just curious as to
    your insight.

    1. I was reading one of those fluffy books of trivia (Opening
    Pandora's Box: Phrases Borrowed from the Classics and the Stories
    behind them) in the tub the other night and came across the term
    Bellerophinic Letter, which in modern language takes the meaning of "a
    message intended to do harm to its bearer." It reminded me of all
    those vicious attacks "Your cousin is your grandmother's favorite," or
    "You know she really doesn't like you--she told me during that time we
    weren't talking," or "He said you're not really good with XYZ," or
    "Your grandparents were really hurt and offended because you didn't
    have breakfast foods in the house." I know those seem like petty
    examples, but I know you must get the gist. Like when you're still
    actively involved with the fucknuts and how much it upsets you?

    2. I strongly believe that when you're the prey of the ultra-crazy
    MNs, you know deep in your heart there will come a day when no-contact
    is the ultimate solution. Like you can try the work-arounds and
    limited contact, but you know there will be a giant bucket of their
    crazy that is so offensive and so toxic and so unbelievably inhumane
    that the end will come. I wonder if some of the folks who write the
    other blogs and maintain limited communication feel this too?
    3. This is the fear I harbor most deeply and spend the most time
    shoving to depths of my soul. Although I said earlier I don't engage
    head-on, there are very limited exceptions. If there is any harm to
    children I turn into the incredible hulk inside. All bets are off.
    And I draw strength from the arsenal of tools to fight dirty I learned
    about the MNs I grew up with. (Recent interactions with 2 different
    people who are best off leaving me alone; I told a close friend "If
    they want to poke the beast, I will not take it. And I can shred
    them.") Wow, that was melodramatic, but it was what it was. Or is
    what it is. Dangerous parents and MNs raising children, adopting
    children, returning children, abandoning children are doing nothing
    but creating narcissistic assholes my kid will have to share a world
    with and destroying the souls of other children. I stand by the
    assertion this is UNFORGIVABLE. I don't like anger--it reminds me too
    much of growing up and the violence just around corner. Now I'm
    tearing up, so I'll stop.

    This wasn't meant to be this self-indulgent. It's easy to get carried away.

    Good thoughts to you. Don't let the bastards grind you down

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  21. Lisette, I encounter people who think when you call someone out on their mean behavior towards me or others, they say that that's being "judgmental." Clearly it's not. But these people who think this way are obviously judging me for calling these self-righteous people out. I tell these people that it's not being "judgmental" but being discerning. I'm amazed how twisted peoples minds have become to the point were it is wrong for calling people out on the truth of their crappy behavior. Not to mention that the self-righteous believe that they are so wonderful that everyone should be like them and think like them.

    How do you respond to these dumb people when you meet them in person?

    ReplyDelete
  22. I never know what to say to dumb people when I meet them in person, but I hope you don’t mind me jumping in, Anonymous, to agree with you: the people who call you judgmental for judging narcissists are, themselves, judgmental.

    The way I see it, the bad kind of “judgmental” (the way the word is usually used) is when one person makes a sweeping judgment about another person based on the wrong assumptions (prejudices or other dumb ideas), or without enough information about that person and his/her life and history. Just like the people who are trying to get you to shut up by saying you don’t have a right to judge your abusers. And, just like the know-it-alls who crashed into Lisette’s blog and judged that she is somehow, in their eyes, wrong.

    What I want to know, in addition to what to say to dumb people who try to silence another’s reality, is this: why is it that victims of narcissists seem to make such “bad witnesses” when it comes to their own experiences? Why is a victim’s judgment about an abusive person viewed--so often!--as somehow inaccurate if not outright wrong?

    It seems to me that, if you really want to know something profound and true about someone’s character, you should ask a person who has been consistently hurt by that character. Yet, what happens is the exact opposite ... the victim, in telling the truth, risks coming off as the slanderous, “judgmental” one!

    ReplyDelete
  23. ^^^ Respectfully, if I may?

    I firmly believe we make such bad witnesses because we feel compelled to defend our decision to terminate the relationship to ANYONE. Really. My standard response to anyone who asks questions which I feel are intrusive and quite frankly my personal business is, "Why do you ask?" And when they get done stuttering I stand right there and say, "Oh." Silence. Turn around and walk away. (Kiss this, sweet-stuff.)

    It works very effectively for me.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Good advice, Anonymous! "Why do you ask?" works wonders for me!

    "Why is a victim’s judgment about an abusive person viewed--so often!--as somehow inaccurate if not outright wrong?"
    This is a million dollar question right here - I've been wondering about this for a long time now. In my situation, my MN mother had spent so many years dragging my name through the mud that everyone in the FOO kind of based their opinion of me on that. After learning about MNs and making sense about what had gone on, I went NC, and ended up looking like the unreasonable asshole who didn't want to work through problems. Not too many people (except for all of you) understand that there is no negotiating with a MN, so asshole it is. I'll take that if it buys me some peace in my life. :)

    "why is it that victims of narcissists seem to make such “bad witnesses” when it comes to their own experiences?"
    I didn't trust my own perception of reality. I was gaslit from here to hell! After limiting contact, it became pretty apparent that I wasn't the crazy one. After a few months of NC, I'm absolutely certain of my sanity. Stepping away from the crazy made everything crystal clear. I didn't even know how bad it was.

    As an aside, there are some experiences that I don't have words for. It's like the words get jumbled up in my brain, then stuck in my throat. Sometimes words come, and sometimes they fail, and this is still the case even after terminating contact with this evil woman.

    Anon

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  25. Anonymous,
    Morag and fellow anonymous' have offered some good wisdom here.

    How do I respond to these dumb/mean people when I meet them in person? Well. You see what happens to them when I meet them online. The thing is, mean/ignorant/abusive people ALWAYS cast the first stone... by being mean. So when you "call them" on their behaviour you're merely defending yourself (or another person) and/or fighting back. It's your right to protect yourself from harm, period. But these brain dead idiots (narcissists and the guilty bystanders) think that by calling them are their bad behaviour you're attacking THEM!! I say ALWAYS call them out and MEAN it. Let them know that you're not easy prey, and they will move on to someone who is. As far as I'm concerned, the self-righteous can go eff themselves. If they refuse to believe the truth then let them be the next in line for the attack.

    ReplyDelete
  26. My litmus test for gauging the words of another is if they spout platitudes. Platitudes mean nothing to me except to illustrate I am dealing with a clueless person.
    I have written my mother off. I can't deal with the past she shouldered me with if she is still towering over me shoveling more shit on my shoulders.
    If this makes no sense to my listener then move on. The stakes are too high to let someone impose their semantics on me.
    Period, end of story.
    Any thing you say to a sociopath can and will be used against you.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I used to try to be nice and inform people that adult children just don't walk around severing contact for no reason. Children are born with an incredible amount of love for their parents, and it takes a hell of a lot of work to destroy that. Now I like,"Why do you ask?" a lot better. Really, what is it to the person who wants to know? Do they want the answer - the truth, or is it that they're waiting for me to answer so they can tell me how wrong it is for me to cut off contact with my evil-ass mother? Are they just being nosy?

    As an ACoN and a HSP, I don't take this sort of thing well, so I avoid it even with my own friends. Some of them try to help, and try to relate, so they say things like, "I know what you mean" (Ummm...no you don't), "I always argue with my mother too"(I bet she didn't stalk you when you were done), or "You only have one mother" (Yeah, well, that's one mother too many when it comes to the one I got stuck with). This is just one of those things where I'm not willing to discuss this unless it's with people who I know will understand.

    Anon

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    Replies
    1. I can so relate to this. I avoid the topic at all costs. Thing is, unless someone has actually had an MN parent, its unfathomable to them that a parent would abuse their children. They are naive. MN parents are out there. They beat, molest, and otherwise, purposely hurt their own children. I dont discuss this issue either. I did not walk until I was four, and she let my golden child brother, knock me down and push me when I was trying to learn how to walk. She blamed me not walking on me, but it really paints the true picture of the environment I was born into, and it only got worse as I got older until I could escape.

      Delete
  28. Yeah. Platitudes are the worst. I think these ignorant self-righteous pinheads just like to hear the sound of their own voice. I guess chiming in from a position of above makes them feel significant. It's so sad that they have to resort to such levels to boost their very shakey self-esteem.

    I really don't care what any psycho MN does with my words. They have no credibility, and their gullible little cohorts are of no consequence to me. If someone wants to believe their lies then go right ahead. Chances are the MN is lying about them too. Anyway, I will always remain NO CONTACT, so they never get the pleasure of what I have to say. I just leave it up to their imaginations which is their only form of communication anyway --- lies, gossip, slander, innuendo. You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. Going NO CONTACT is the only way one can wash their hands of the big dirty mess. And why the hell would I care what people I have no respect for think about me? I know who I am, and that's all that matters.

    ReplyDelete
  29. "I didn't trust my own perception of reality. I was gaslite from here to hell!" So freaking true..This was my whole life with 99% of my relationships.

    "the thing is, mean/ignorant/abusive people ALWAYS cast the first stone...by being mean" Ya, so true.

    "Platitudes" Ya, these people who do this are so full of themselves.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Wow! I had a great laugh after seeing the first pic on this blog entry of the "Hello" sticker. A "friend" of mine uses the name "So Much Better Than You" on some of her online profiles. I have long realized she was a narcissist, but it's just funny how obvious she is about it.

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  31. This is an absolutely amazing blog!! I think this is the first time that I've read about narcissists that I haven't cried - I've laughed and I've gotten really angry! My father was a MN and my mother a Silent Partner per Sister Renee and both of them are now deceased - but I have 8 siblings and one at least is a MN and she has 2 nasty flying monkeys. At our mother's deathbed, it was high drama from the MN and a lot of glaring and gossiping from the flying monkeys. Before reading Sister Renee's book and now your blog, I had decided on NC with the Three Weird Sisters and it's wonderful to have this affirmation that I was right - there is no other way to live my life sans abuse. Thanks so much for this blog - I've shared it with other siblings and we're all enjoying it and learning so much. Ah, how I wish I had known all of this decades earlier - but I won't let them steal another minute of my life! Living in Oz...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      You're welcome and thank YOU! I tell ya, it's music to my ears to hear that my blog (comments included) made you laugh and get really angry. That's exactly what I'm trying to go for here. Embracing our righteous indignation at the wrongs committed against us is very empowering and very motivating to make the move to go NC and/or remain NC. It's also good fun to have a laugh at the MN's expense. They sure as hell don't deserve our respect. It's great to hear that you have some normal siblings that you can share the information with. I too wish I had learned of all this decades ago, but it's never too late to make sense of all the madness, and narc proof the rest of our lives.

      All the power to you and your siblings!

      Delete
  32. I run into people who, especially on occasions like Mother's Day, ask about my mother. When I tell them she has been dead for more than ten years, I usually get something like "Oh, I'm sorry. You must miss her a lot." Yah, like I'd miss leprosy...

    I am not into dishonesty so reply is usually something along the lines of "we didn't have a good relationship, so things are better this way." Most people will drop it right there, but others are clueless and press the issue, insisting I must miss her, or maybe I misunderstood her or how said it is that she died before we could 'work it out,' or some other such single-minded (and not hearing me) bull. To them I say:

    "You know how there are a lot of 'not nice' people in the world, people who are rude and mean, selfish and nasty and just plain hard to get along with? Well, some of them reproduce--which means some of us get stuck with them for parents...people like me."

    Nobody has EVER had wanted to continue the discussion after that.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I can all relate to EVERYTHING that has been written here. My mother is a MN, and I have had no contact with her for five years now. I found this blog after googling, "stalked by narcissist mother", and I feel so validated. She doesnt know where we live, and I cut myself of from the whole family because they became her minions in bullying me, (although they are well aware that the woman is batshit) I am in the only one of her children that has children, and one of them is a girl, (and from another race no less), that really excalated the abuse. That was the last straw. At first, I really did not understand attacking a child less than 1 years old, but now especially I do, and I am committed to keeping myself, and my children away from this monster for my health and theirs.

    Its going on 5 years now, and she has taken to cyber stalking me. The antics get more and more ridiculous, its really really sad.

    I think whats going on is that she's used up her all her other N supply and now is circling back around to me. I hope she is able to get distracted abusing someone else soon.

    Thank you so much for this blog and sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  34. With you knowing so much of the NM character, can you answer these questions about them?

    Why are they are so stupid? During their "feeding" times, are they oblivious that they are coming across as stalkers, and crazy people, and how people will probably disappear because of such behavior? Dont they want to get what they want? Am I naive? Does stalking actually work on people? It never works on me. One time, I was getting to know this guy. We exchanged numbers, and talked for a little bit. Then, one day, I did not answer my phone. I was busy in the middle of a project, and when he called, I saw the caller ID and let it goto voicemail.

    Then, I was shocked when I did not pick up the 1st time, he continued to call and call and call and call, I lost count how many times.


    Finally, by the end of the day, I picked up the phone, (it was by accident really). He raging on the other end, asking me all types of questions about where I had been, etc,

    This is a guy I hadnt even gone out on a date yet, (and thank god I didnt).

    I excused myself off the phone, and put his number on the block list.

    5 months later, he called from another phone, I answered it, not knowing it was him, and he was asking, begging, "what did he do? What did he say?" etc.. I just said something non committal, and got off the phone.

    about 4 months later, he called again, and then this time, I recognized his voice, and just hung up.

    So with all I understand about Ns, and what you seem to understand too, is that they know what they are doing.

    Well then, if they know what they are doing, why do they act like this?Clearly, this guy did not get what he wanted. Does he like being ignored?

    The same with my mother. Her antics are ridiculous and silly. When I went no contact with her at first, I still thought she was a normal person, but how we agreed to disagree, and I decided for my health, not to be in her toxic company.

    Then, she goes crazy, just like you described. Smearing me to everyone, being all theatrical about what I did to her, and on and on and on. On a chance encounter, she saw me at the grocery store, and I was curt with her, and kept moving. In that time, she was acting like we were best buds, and saying, "dont forget to bring the kids over!!" I thought she was crazy.

    then, she was telling everyone stuff about me as if we were still in contact. But she cant get over not having a picture of grand kids. Unless she wants to cut out a picture of someone else, and pretend its them to save face. I wouldnt put it past her.

    The thing is, my mother was warned. I have a history of making good on my promises, after abuse and violation, and she's seen this. When I gave her chance to apologize, (I know, how naive of me), she spit in my face, and demanded one in instead, saying, "I dont want to see you until you apologize" and I thought to myself, "great, that was easier than I thought to get rid of her".

    And since then, I've moved on with my life. She went into hiding for about a year, and by the time she reared her ugly head back, she is a forgotten memory.

    Like you said, they are so grandios, she probably thinks that everyone sits around all day long, just wondering when my MN is going to pay them some attention, not really knowing how much we dont care.

    ReplyDelete