Wednesday, 5 July 2017

Secret Treacheries of Covert Narcissist Siblings

Secret Treacheries of Covert Narcissistic Siblings
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. Narcissistic Personality Clinical Expert

Treachery is a mortal betrayal of trust, especially among family members. Covert narcissists are sly, smooth and sneaky–very difficult to detect.

When the Covert Narcissist is your sibling, you are destined to have a painful and tumultuous relationship with him/her. (This post refers to male and female covert narcissists). This is particularly galling if the sibling is the golden child of the family, the chosen one who can do no wrong, always wins and wears the family crown from birth. Mother and father never corrected their “darling” since he was viewed and treated as perfect–someone for you to emulate.

The life stories I hear from children who have had covert narcissistic siblings are horrific. From the beginning the scapegoated child was at the mercy of the covert sibling who taunted, tricked, terrified and threatened his victim. There are scenes of a small child being locked in a closet for hours while parents were away or oblivious. Getting pinched, scratched, smacked, dragged was the order of the day in some households. Of course the perpetrator was never caught and if it was obvious that the golden monster was guilty, the parent covered it up and in some instances blamed the victimized child for simply being present.

As the covert narcissistic sibling reaches adulthood, the psychopathology remains unchanged and the victimization of the sibling continues in a cruel, cunning form. Narcissists are often obsessed with money–It is their god, their compass, their identity. They are convinced that any assets belonging to the parents belong to them alone. They spend years plotting how they will pilfer every cent belonging to the parents, leaving the other siblings without a penny.  I have witnessed this behavior often; it is ugly and dark. The covert narcissist through a series of cunning maneuvers gains control of the family estate. Over time, using pseudo charm and empathy with just the right vintage of pressure and intimidation, convinces the parents that he is the only family member who can be trusted with financial matters. By the time that the other siblings discover that they have been divested of their inheritance, it is too late.

Narcissistic siblings stop at nothing to snatch the gold, the cash, the property, the jewelry, stocks, trusts, etc. Nothing slows them down. They are giddy grabbing the loot. They are devoid of shame, conscience or mercy. In the aftermath the sibling(s) on the losing end is shocked, exhausted and depleted. In some cases these individuals develop health problems as a result of the severe chronic stress of coping with the emotional, psychological and financial treacheries of the covert sibling.

Knowing now that your sibling has a severe personality disturbance is the beginning of unraveling, healing and reconstituting yourself. The first step is to appreciate that young child who survived despite the painful treacherous years and the innumerable ordeals and traumas that you experienced.

Recognize the strength and courage of your true self and know now that you will continue to heal, grow and evolve. Put yourself first and take time each day to move into the calming part of the nervous system where you feel deep inner peace. Get the nourishment, sleep, downtime, creative time, fun time that you need and deserve.


  1. This was/is so true in my family. It has been devastating.

  2. (1 of 3)

    Hi Lisette,

    This article is so good and to the point; thank you for posting something once again from Linda Marinez-Lewi, PhD. I was particularly interested in the part where she shines a nice hot spotlight on what so many of us have gone through when it comes to MN sibling interference in our parents' lives, their possessions and finances. Where we may have initially mistaken it for a few special favors from our parent toward one of the siblings, we eventually find ourselves having to face a much darker reality, similar to the one so well-illustrated in this article. Most of us, will likely never really understand the disturbing extent of the MN sibling's manipulation of and outright theft from our parents. We're pretty clear though that if/when we call the MN sibling to account, we can expect a full-blown escalation and we're pretty sure it'll be frightening, again. If we reveal an awareness of and/or dare to express anger over the misuse or outright theft of the elderly parents' assets, they unleash their covert rage with a vengeance; the resulting backlash being like nothing we've ever experienced before. The MN sibling goes over the top with the most perverse character assassination tactics to alienate us, a disliked sibling. They go to such devious extremes that it'll surprise even the most seasoned among us, the sibling targets.

    This is about MONEY after all, the MN's delusional birthright, so it apparently calls for a more focused and premeditated psychological assault, to force us into silence. The MN is trying to hang onto what they've already stolen and more, if they can get it. They need attention focused elsewhere, so they direct their outrageous tactics at creating full-blown public humiliation, if need be, for us squeaky-wheel siblings. It's not enough for MNs to walk away with well more than their fair share, they know they've come by their riches dishonestly, so they go to unbelievable extremes to take even more and to then keep from being found out. They're desperate in their need for us, the witness/victim of estate theft (and other insidious manipulative misdeeds) to shut up about it or we, the big-mouth, will suffer the consequences. Not terribly unlike the way everyone expects low-life criminals to leave no witnesses, the MN sibling makes sure that we, the ones who know too much, are at least viciously vilified. Most of us sibling scapegoats give up trying to get to the bottom of the mishandling of the parent's finances and the sudden, suspiciously altered relationships with our parents, family and friends. The MN sibling wears us down with a battle that is so psychotic sounding, so far beyond anyone's normal expectations, that many of us don't even know where to begin in fighting back. >>>

  3. (2 of 3)

    Normal people, when we help out our parents, feel uncomfortable if the parents try to shower us alone with monetary gifts. We might allow them to cover some simple expenses, but we'd get nervous about being overly compensated simply for our availability to do the little things that any of the siblings could and would do if they were nearby. We'd insist, while the parents were alive, that gifts be equitable and at least understandable; a decent reflection of the parents' love for each of their children. We would also be able to predict and expect hard feelings for a less than fair distribution of assets and wouldn't want that kind of burden to come between us and our siblings. We would know that we didn't really deserve, under most circumstances, a greater share of any remaining assets at the end of a parent's life.

    But, where we might feel discomfort and guilt, the MN sibling's faulty wiring is short-circuiting as usual and their greedy, self-centered, pretend specialness keeps them from feeling much of anything except for a needy desire for more. They portray themselves as some kind of high-minded spokesperson for the parents, when they're really only speaking for themselves and their fiercely selfish interests. While our parents were alive but in declining health, the MN's behavior became inexplicably meaner and more accusatory toward the sibling they personally didn't like or maybe even hated. Long before our parent's death, they realized that any fair distribution of assets actually came to mean a forfeiture or loss for their insatiably greedy MN self. They helped themselves to even more of their parents' valuables (as Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD, adeptly points out) hoping the so-called gifts went unnoticed. All the while, they had set about gradually manipulating others' opinions of the maligned sibling, us, as undeserving of the parents' kindness and generosity. >>>

  4. (3 of 3)

    I've had experience with both the dysfunctional family as the scapegoated sibling and as the wife of a husband from a fairly normal family with now deceased parents. Both families' parents had the means to cover their life's expenses as well as leave something to their adult children. In one, the parent was unwittingly manipulated and gave substantial gifts to one adult child that went far above reason and/or fairness with regard to the other kids/siblings. In the other, the parent was encouraged to relax, that their worry over becoming a burden didn't obligate some kind of financial compensation and wouldn't be accepted. In one, upon death, the parent left a huge and confusing financial mess to be sorted out, unfairly. In the other, everything was organized, evenly divided amongst the adult children who were all loved for the lifetime of joy they each brought to their parents' lives.

    The comparison is stark and if I seem pent-up in my extra long comment, I am. When MN siblings insinuate themselves into a superior role, things go terribly wrong because they're poseurs, inept, not capable, but certainly sneaky and quite lazy. As we all know, they're actually much more like vindictive, nasty playground bullies who willingly inflict irreparable harm, creating a lifetime of heartache for us/me.

    Thank you so much, Lisette, for providing this space on your blog. - I Tried

    1. "Posers, lazy" : yes. And lisette has already been right about this life/death problem. On my inlaws' side the MN sibling / golden child is just waiting for his inheritance, lazy as fuck, tormenting everyone. The scapegoat sibling? Where is he? He shot his own head off with a rifle. The same kind of rifle the stupid ("grieving") parents bought the son of the MN sibling 5 years later because, you know, he should have a rifle one day. ....

      I just can't stand the stupid.
      The cruelty.

      I look on as a survivor of an MN mother. I think about how close suicide shadowed me.

      My MN mother says "oh you turned out so well." Oh wouldn't suicide have shown that up. That's what that poor scapegoat dude thought, o think. Not consciously though.

      He scratched on the gun "I won't be a disappointment to you any more" before he died.

    2. One more thing! Golden child loves the sound of his own voice (which is normal on a certain scale) but this dude loves it to such a level that a few years ago he sent out a group email offering to tape himself reading poetry for all of us! Just send requests! LOL

      Nobody did. So he sank back into his hole.

      He's a drunk mess, so not entirely oblivious to it all --which is sad , but he fights letting in the info too far & lashes out.


    3. LOL!!

      I have a request for delusional golden child dude. How about he orates this post by Linda, have a Martini, Lewis? I'm sure any thieving MN sibling reading "Secret Treacheries of Covert Narcissist Siblings" would narrate it like a personal victim statement. We all know how much they like to distort reality and play the victim.

      I have more to say on all of this estate stuff and MN siblings, but just wanted to say for now that I laughed my ass off at this golden child's fantasy of being some kind of James Earl Jones. Ha!

    4. Lololol 😂 I was laughing typing it!!

    5. D.E.M.,
      I guess you're all supposed to be grateful that the golden was so fortunate in getting over his brother's suicide through his poetry. Wonder if he was able to philosophically interpret for you all the desperate scrawls on the rifle... What a disconnected pos. I'm sorry for you having to carry around the weight of such a horrible family tragedy. The parents were so thoughtful to NOT give the grandson the actual rifle; can anyone wrap their heads around this shit?
      And why have so many of us had the Grim Reaper hanging around offering up the suicide option?!! We're good people!! It really affects me deeply that any of us were left feeling alone for so long as to even contemplate such things. I'm very sorry your brother-in-law couldn't find another way out. Have I said how much I hate these people?!!!! - I Tried

    6. I can wrap my head around it - the parents are evil and the golden child is a disconnected, self-absorbed Narcissist POS. The rifle story is similar to the one described in "People of the Lie" (a book about evil malignant narcissists) where the parents DID give their son his brother's suicide weapon (a gun) for his birthday or Christmas. How's that for the power of suggestion? "Here, we want YOU to do it too." And the note the scapegoated fellow scrawled into the gun is proof positive they (the MNs) drove him to suicide. Yes, the Grim Reaper hangs around members of MN families because the MNs are either consciously or subconsciously, overtly or covertly trying to drive others to suicide. The movie "Monster's Ball" illustrates this phenomenon. The family has a graveyard in the backyard and that's where they bury the dead.

      I've experienced my MN mother's version of "the gun" and what's really sick about her covert suggestion for me to commit suicide is that she offered it up when I was a lonely, depressed, ABUSED teenager. This was no coincidence. The MN sister is so obsessed with offing me and/or driving me to off myself that she falsely reported to the police that I attempted suicide. That's how much she wants it to be true. That's how much she expects me to play by her and the MN mother's sinister script. Even if it didn't happen, she will try and make it "appear" like it happened via a false police report. Nice fucking try. I would never give them satisfaction. Besides, unlike those two vile wretches; I enjoy life.

  5. (1 of 2)

    I tried, thanks for the great posts! Everything that you describe is scarily accurate in my experience.

    (I’m responding to your comment down here because I don’t want to break-up the flow of your posts).

    It IS about MONEY and CONTROL and their DELUSIONS of specialness and an enduring pattern of BLAME/SCAPEGOATING. Malignant narcissist siblings have the mind-set of a nasty 5 year old that never stops playing the game of keep away.

    Estate theft and anointing themselves the spokesperson for the parents seems to be just another way MN siblings express their delusions of entitlement and grandiosity. It’s the way the MN pretends that the other sibs are useless and worthless compared to their precious and privileged selves. The MN seems fixated on their delusions of superiority almost 100% of the time, so if you dare object to their abuse, call them out on their corruption and flagrant disregard for your rights and feelings; they will view this as attacking them!

    By confronting the MN on their vile behavior and refusing to act out their omnipotent fantasies, we make it harder for the MN to believe their own mirage and this makes them really mad. How mad? SO mad it’s off with your head! If you dare deliver a message that contradicts their outrageously false image get ready for some narc injury and ensuing narc rage. The MN may even call the police and file a complaint for disrupting their delusions. No shit! They are that insane. They are that fixated on their delusions of superiority, and they will go to great lengths (illegal lengths) to self-aggrandize and silence the truth so they can get their way.

    Never forget that the MN’s purpose in every interaction is to WIN. Their life is a game of monopoly for all the attention and all the stuff. In their infantile mind, they are entitled to ALL of it, and the other siblings are deserving of none of it. Even playing a pathetic victim where others feel sorry for the MN makes them feel like a big shot – they get pity, attention, the satisfaction of successfully controlling and manipulating others, as well as power from recruiting proxy threats to harass the true victim which diverts attention away from their misdeeds. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Now everyone feels sorry for the poor MN and the true victim is vilified.

    For the MN, It’s all about elevating themselves to lofty heights and reducing their target/scapegoat to the lowly bottom. The harder they try to reduce you, the harder they are trying to avoid the reality of their true selves and the crimes they have committed. I mean, who the hell would go to all that trouble of scheming, plotting and covering-up if they didn’t do anything wrong? Of course, consciousness of guilt does not point to a guilty conscience. Malignant narcissists are brazen thieves and liars. They believe in the scorched earth policy. It’s not enough for them to destroy the targeted sibling's relationship with their parent and steal their inheritance and ruin their financial security; they must also try and destroy the scapegoated sibling's life and their reputation in the process. I guess they want everyone to be as miserable as they are.

    And for you folks who don’t clearly understand narcissistic abuse and the dynamic of a narc family, this is not about sibling rivalry, at least not from the scapegoat/target’s perspective. The MN sibling has been engaged in a lifelong covert war to WIN and dominate us and we’ve been merely trying to survive; keep our head above water. The stunts they pull at the end of a parent’s life is same old, same old but on a much grander scale – it’ a criminal level of sibling abuse.

  6. (2 of 2)

    I too have noticed that the thieving MN sibling who plots to get POA is usually a low-functioning, lazy, parasitic, compulsive, incompetent who is disorganized and lacks planning skills (they can plot in advance for their own gain, but they are not capable of implementing sound working plans that benefit the estate and its beneficiaries). They are simply too greedy and selfish to care about anyone but themselves. And their minds are a mess; their thinking patterns are distorted so they lack reason, logic and good judgment. In short, MN sibs by the time they reach their 40s are mentally ill. Some of them even exhibit signs of paranoid schizophrenia with symptoms such as hermit lifestyles and hoarding. And these are the freaks that weasel their way into controlling the parents’ life and finances?! No wonder these estates end up being a huge mess; they are being mishandled by people who are trainwrecks!

    Another thing that I’ve read and experienced with a greedy, thieving MN sibling is that when the parent dies that more or less kept some of the MN’s psychotic behavior in check, the MN goes hog wild. They will do things that they wouldn’t ever do while the parent was alive because they didn’t want that one parent to see how vicious and malicious they truly are toward their scapegoat/target sibling. In other words, when the more normal parent dies, the MN directs a fully focused rampage of destruction and smear campaign against the target and pulls stunts so heinous that if the parent who is now deceased ever learned about the MN’s evil deeds, THEY might be punished and disinherited. Everything these pieces of shit do is premeditated.

    Something else I’ve noticed about MN siblings is that the getting/having doesn’t give them as big a power rush as the taking away from others. Getting only gives them a temporary fix because nothing will ever satiate their greed or fills their inner emptiness. It’s the long game of keep away and control that seems to feed them like nothing else. It keeps them occupied and alleviates the boredom of their barren existence. I suspect some of them commit estate theft just to force their victims into lawsuits. Their theft is brazen and cannot be ignored so the victim is left with no choice but to sue, and you know those narcissists, they do not like to be ignored; they live for interpersonal conflict, drama and manipulating the emotions of others. Lawsuits keep the MN entertained as well as connected to their targets. And when you’re the one holding the bag of gold, it’s fun!

    I believe the MN siblings compulsive need to feed off the pain of others as well as their compulsive relationship with money, property and possessions overrides any fears they may have of being busted and exposed. Their compulsions make them weak and it’s their compulsions that will bring them down. And when they are brought down, all their greedy, thieving, lying cohorts will go right down with them.

    That’s not a “threat” it’s a promise.

  7. Thank you to I Tried & Lisette.

    The MNShitHead is my husband's sister's ex-- so I'm pretty removed from it, but I have also witnessed the unrelenting crazy and can attest to the accuracy of Lisette's description of lazy, obsessive, self-involved, self-pitying, vile, MN golden child.

    Thank you for caring about me, you two :).

    This POS used his brother's death to live out his lazy, drunken life. It gave him the excuse to just wait for his inheritance and not work, etc.
    My sister in law went ahead and two kids with him --- and she keeps saying "they'll be fine; they have a trust from their grandparents--the MN parents". And I keep saying, "you best stop counting on that. I'm not joking"

    Wilful blindness. The MN parents are INSANE. They once adopted a girl, who at 16 or 18 was able to sever contact legally and was never heard from again.

    My MN parents wanted to adopt another child once--a kid they said would be truly grateful, unlike me and my siblings.
    Vicious vicious thing to say. They didn't end up doing it. But fuck these MNs !!!


  8. After having had a recent flooring awakening about the depth of the treachery my GC sister is capable of, as we have been dealing with the sudden news and practical details of my MN mother's 4th stage terminal cancer diagnosis, this blog hits home. The twist in my family case, is that the sister (I have to detach from her for my own well-being, hence the use of "the" instead of "my") is that there is nothing for her to get. MN mother is non-diagnosed but has the personality disorder hallmarks checked off in all of the previously called Cluster B disorders. She gambled away everything will die in debt. She divorced our father having been left with everything, promptly lost that, married again to a much older and sick man who passed away shortly afterward. She inherited from him, despite his having 5 children. In the following years she lived by using people, men and women, by conning them as a victim, playing the generous social welfare system and also committed fraud. In her last years as her charm and ability to suck people in wained, what friends she once had and family she continually betrayed all vanished after being spat at and taken for an idiot and to the cleaners too many times, she disintegrated into venomous, bitter, self-destruction, smoking herself to death while watching CNN and ironically religious television 24/7, the latter of which the deeper moral imperatives escaped ability to comprehend.

    Now, as she has a few months at most to live, the proverbial poop has hit the fan. As whipping child post or scapegoat, dog to kick, landfill site to dump on for her, I still tried. I have a strong moral imperative to do what is right. I am 55 years old. This comes after years in my twenties going NC, years in my thirties with a family of my own, going low contact, years of therapy, years of building some sense of self worth of my own. I still tried to do what is right for this woman from an objective sense.

    What did that achieve? Being kicked down once again by treacherous sister. I won't and can't go into the details. Firstly, it would take pages of unbelievable nastiness being recounted. Secondly, it is still to painful and fresh for me. I am reeling. By the way, I also spent years trying to have a normal caring sibling relationship with sister. What did that result in? Being spat at time and again. I made excuses for her every time. There was some excuse. Stupid me. Now, her true colours come out. It is jarring and so very hurtful to come to such a glaring realization, something I should have recognized all along, at this stage in my life.

    What I don't understand and this goes to the subject of your post, is what she gets out of being such a controlling, "I am the Best", bitter, hateful way of being. She has taken my mother in. Now, granted she gets paid compassion leave, but that is all. She also has set up round the clock home care for mother. So, she is not being some angel as she makes herself out to be. Are nacissists that pathetic that they will go to all lengths just to be "the winner"? so to speak? Bragging rights? Is that all that life means for her? She denigrates me repeatedly. I have had hate mail from her husband, after simply drawing the line with her at her histrionic fits with me. I am now NC with them. This is what it comes to, I guess. Seeing my dying mother for the last time from their driveway. I won't step foot on their stoop. And having mother take every last nasty shot she can at me, for old time's sake.

    1. withrecklessabandon, I think it is commendable that you have a strong moral imperative to do what is right. But I'm sure you've learned that you can't continue to do right by people who only do you wrong. Malignant narcissists take care of themselves, period. They don't give a damn about who they harm in the process of taking care of their own selfish needs. There motto is: I got mine; to hell with you! It sounds like your MN mother is the poster bitch for this way of life. She ruthlessly took care of number one while leaving a path of destruction in her wake. It's what these MNs do. It's a disorder rooted in pathological selfishness. It's clear you understand that making contact with these predators is dangerous no matter how objective you are because THEY are always looking to feed and that means finding a way to denigrate others and throw lives into turmoil. Any contact with these creatures is toxic. It doesn't matter how strong or objective we are because when it comes to MNs, no normal person can ever predict how nasty, cruel and underhanded they will be; our minds just don't go there. I know an unpleasant encounter with a MN can be traumatizing and can linger for a while because it's like ripping open all those old wounds. I'm sure once the initial shock wears off, you will bounce back. Malignant narcissists are violent and destructive but they are no match for someone with a strong sense of self.

      In response to your question: yes I think narcissists are that pathetic that they will go to all lengths just to be "the winner." Everything they do is about vaunting themselves and proving that they are superior. Malignant narcissists must always feel in control and on top. It really is pathetic. They truly lead a miserable, petty, fearful existence. Leave them to it. I'm glad you are NC with those people. But hey, I understand why you/me/all of us ACONs always try and give it one last shot, hoping that things might be different this time. HA! Old habits die hard.

    2. Thanks for your reply, Lisette. You are correct. Being around a MN, particularly one who is in your immediate family (in my case two of them) is dangerous. It has been good to write about it. I am now questioning just how objective I am truly being. I mean, yes. It is true that in my value system, one does not write-off or abandon people at the end of their life. This is tearing me up inside. I tell myself, “What kind of person writes out of their life their own mother?” Even though she was never a mother to me, does not love me, did not nurture me, worse yet she abused me in every way possible, I still have this critical voice telling me, I should rise above it somehow and do the honourable thing. Society still has this belief that mothers are somehow saints just by virtue of giving birth and that there are all these “shoulds” children do still internalize and beat themselves up over because of this. But, realistically, what virtue is there in simply being able to breed and then use that to ability to breed to enact sadistic and nothing but self-serving suffering on your offspring? Is this what I am supposed to be beholden to - a questionable at best sense of obligation and subjugation of my self because she gave birth to me? No. It is a guilt trip. This makes me have to question whether I am being led by guilt or deluded sense of still trying to make silk out of a sow’s ear.

      I took a trip a few hours out of town last weekend with my husband to my N sister’s place. It was mother’s birthday and it will be her last birthday. As we are quite busy this summer, I had originally said we could make a trip there in August and had planned to send her a floral arrangement for her birthday. Well, that wasn’t good enough for her. I got inundated with calls and the “I could die anytime”. So, we went to see her for her birthday and stayed in a hotel overnight. I was a wreck beforehand as I was dreading going anywhere near N sister’s place as well as knowing their would drummed up drama beforehand, which there was. I had told her we will pick her up after her care provider visit and take her out. I was not stepping foot on my sister’s property after the harassment, bullying and hate mail I had received from both N sis and her proxy husband. No way, no how would I subject myself to that again. I told myself this was closure. I don’t know that I have closure, though or if it is even possible.

  9. Second part of my reply:

    I have been holding so much in. So this is long. She was worse then usual. She used to contain her worst verbal abuse (bitter, spiteful, denigrating remarks to me) for when my husband was not present to hear it. She’s conniving that way. She also used to do the backhanded compliment thing in a really snotty way. It would come out at first as being overly complimentary but then she could twist that into the most hateful put-down. People would just be kind of silently stunned, but rarely would anyone call her on it. If I did, it would only result in a diarrhea run-off of more insults by her turning it on me that I have a problem, am too sensitive or take things the wrong way - projection with the last in the extreme. Not to mention there is no mistaking a direct put-down. This coming from a woman who if someone is smiling at anything completely unrelated, could go into a violent insane rampage accusing them of laughing at her.

    Now that she is with N sister it seems all holds are off. Well, I am officially done. I won’t see her again until she is dead. My husband and both of my adult daughters told me I did way more than my mother deserved. Neither of my daughters will have anything to do with her. She has shown them what a heinous waste of skin, non-mother and non-grandmother she is. But I still mourn, I mourn for what could have been, never was, and never will be. Few people understand this. I am told that I should forget all that and appreciate and have gratitude for the loving family - husband and daughters - and the friends and life I do have, that I somehow did not turn out like the N. I DO. I do very much. I am so grateful every day that I can find joy in others, love others, encourage them, be happy for them. However, this does not take away or cancel out that I still also feel a huge loss inside. Both can coexist. I worry that the closure I told myself I would have is an illusion. I have this cloud hanging over my head that N sister even though I am NC with her, will just continue the dungheap toxicity where my mom left off. I am getting stronger though and I am learning to ask for help, to ask to be backed up and that when I feel threatened, I am not over-reacting. I am honouring my self and listening to my gut.

    Thanks for confirming what I had figured was going on. It helps to check with others who understand the circumstances. It is hard for me to comprehend how someone can exist to just "get one over on" someone else or take away from someone else for sheer sake of doing that, but I guess some people are really that low and mean. My sister has always been this way, but for some reason, being idealistic and hoping there was a shred of decency in her and she was just nasty because she was hurt too always made me go back and try with her. Nope. I could not have been more wrong. She is missing a gene. That is how I put it. So is my mom. The gene that makes one actually give a shit.

  10. "Narcissistic siblings stop at nothing to snatch the gold, the cash, the property, the jewelry, stocks, trusts, etc. Nothing slows them down. They are giddy grabbing the loot. They are devoid of shame, conscience or mercy. In the aftermath the sibling(s) on the losing end is shocked, exhausted and depleted. In some cases these individuals develop health problems as a result of the severe chronic stress of coping with the emotional, psychological and financial treacheries of the covert sibling."

    I was used to get all of the real work done because the Narc sibling is so scattered she can't manage it, including cleaning up a filthy hoarder's apartment, setting records from 20 years straight, making sure there was a will so that the government would help with funeral expenses, as mother would be dying with a load of debt. Then I was promptly attacked and harassed at every turn by Narc sister and mother turning things around and circumventing until I was a wreck. My adult daughter and husband had to implore me to stop and step away due to it having such a destructive effect on my health.

    I set up everything for my mother for end of life, only to have my sister who could not manage a thing rip me apart and then take POA. Now, POA in our case with my mother holds no financial value. It does however, give control. I am convinced that this is a large part of it. Sister has no inner control. She has no sense of proper planning, her life is a mirror of my mother's complete with filthy hoarder house. As Lisette listed: Incompetent, compulsive, disorganized. Check, check, check. So what gives when someone this much of a mess has a grandiose delsusion that only they have the inroad? It is a delusion to be sure. But, that part is obvious to the most casual observer. The thing that I find more pernicious is how much there is there is unrelenting fight to take over control. It is a need to dominate and by dominating you can get whatever you want, seems to be the way they think.

    The proof of this need for dominating was when I was getting things done when my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, despite the constant chaos creation by both mother and sister. It pissed them off. They would not have it. At every turn, they threw a spanner in the works including at one point my sister having an obviously fake meltdown bawling hysterically in public when she knew I had just had the longest day with mother and was also dealing with everything. She could not have not having attention for one second, so what does she do? Creat a fabricated scene out of nothing and seconds later she is right as rain, while I am depleted and have nothing left. THIS is the manipulation par excellence of Narcs. No mercy.

  11. “Knowing now that your sibling has a severe personality disturbance is the beginning of unraveling, healing and reconstituting yourself. The first step is to appreciate that young child who survived despite the painful treacherous years and the innumerable ordeals and traumas that you experienced.”

    Thank you Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D.

    After sharing on this blog. Thank you, Lisette for that. I would like to say something positive that relates to this quote. It is a great wise thing to remember our survival for those who persevere to overcome despite the pain.

    One thing true to my self is to travel light. I want to recognize my daughters, and particularly my eldest daughter who personifies this in life. We can have all the material things, the riches, the objects, the talismans, the trinkets, and those can be embued with value. But the only value they have is because of what we put in them, the meaning, the heart, why we love them. The real heart, the real meaning what lasts is enduring no matter what - if it gets destroyed in a flood, a fire, a malicious breakage against the wall by a hateful person, did we lose something? Yes. But only a replacement - an object that stands in. We cannot ever lose the part that held our heart. I am heartened by my daughter’s ability to see what is important, to see that accumulating is a fools game and to appreciate what can’t always be weighed and measured.

    The worst of these illusions is money. All the riches in the world cannot ever replace love, trust, honour. This brings me to the second person I have learned from - my husband. He was gifted with a non-disordered family. He and his siblings stand to inherit a fortune his father built up as an immigrant and he and his wife lived fairly frugal lives while giving all three children a good start in life and paid post-secondary education. Not one of my parents-in-law's offspring is behaving like a vulture at the kill. Completely opposite to what one hears of dysfunctional families, they all wish their parents would have enjoyed themselves more and don’t fight over who gets what from them. This says something quite profound. To me, it is about individuation. His parents let them be individuals. And so they were.

    My mother did not. But, my father did. I have that to be thankful for. And when he goes, all I want is to cry