Showing posts with label Narcissist Parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Narcissist Parents. Show all posts

Saturday 11 May 2013

A Malignant Narcissist Mother's Day



I began my blog on Mother’s Day two years ago, and marked the annual merchandizing love fest with the post The Malignant Narcissist Mother is Callous and Selfish, followed by The Malignant Narcissist Mother is Grandiose and Indifferent.  Yes, the date I launched my blog was intentional. House of Mirrors is like one giant “fuck you” greeting card to the evil Malignant Narcissist Mothers of the world. Hallmark just never seemed to have what I was looking for.
So it is on the holy-day of Mothers that I celebrate my irreverent exposé of the cruel woman who birthed me and then systematically tried to destroy me. Cheers to two years of unmasking the nasty MN bitch and others like her!
23 years ago I went no contact with my malignant narcissist mother, so all this Mother’s Day propaganda doesn’t register with me. The bitch has been out of my life longer than she was in it. I just don’t care. However, it IS my blogoversary and I noticed recently that a lot of people have found their way to HOM by consulting the Google Oracle on such topics as “seeing narcissist mom on mother’s day” and “how to avoid narcissistic mother on mother’s day” so I figured I would write a post.  

My first thought was to write the post in the form of a letter to MN mother, but then I thought “nah” that’s way too personal. Letters are a form of communication and I don’t want to communicate with her in any way ever again, and besides, I have nothing more to say to her. She knows that I know that her only goal as a “mother” was to systematically destroy me, and instill in me the belief that I have no right to live. She also knows that I hate her guts, and that I think she’s a malignant narcissist and a cunt. What else is there to say?
 “Betty, you malignant narcissist cunt, I hope you rot in hell!”

Those were my last words to her. She knows where she stands. That’s as good as it gets as far as closure goes with a MN parent. I have never regretted going no contact and I have never regretted letting her know what I think of her. By the way, going no contact with MN mother was not instigated by some great revelation. I was at a geographic distance from her for many years and when I went to visit her one Christmas I found her crazier and meaner than the last time I saw her. Common sense dictated that the bitch was never going to change and that she would continue to be a danger to me so I needed to stay the hell away from her. It wasn’t complicated. I treated MN “mother” as I would any bully that was hell bent on harming me – I wanted nothing to do with her.
Staying the fuck away from my malignant narcissist mother has never been a dilemma for me, probably because I have never viewed her as a “mother.” Yes, the bitch gave birth to me, someone had to, but she never earned the title of “mother” in my eyes. I was never remotely connected to her and never bonded with her in any way. I always saw her for what she was: a malicious, sadistic witch who got off on hurting me and tried to psychologically murder me. I suppose I should consider myself lucky in that regard; that I had the good sense to separate the title “Mother” that society blindly adorned her with, to her actual behavior as a dangerous predator. Call me unsentimental, but the bitch is just another malignant narcissist to me. And after two decades of no contact, she doesn't even make it on my list of top three most hated MNs. Those slots are filled by other MNs whose heads I would love to see bashed-in, including malignant narcissist sister.


Speaking of malignant narcissist sister, it was through her MN franken daughter ways that I received proof positive that my choice to go no contact with that vile woman known as my “mother” was without a doubt, the right one. After 17 years of complete no contact with MN mother and MN sister, I made the mistake of contacting MN sister. My thinking was that maybe she had changed and become normal. Fat chance. MN sister was even more deranged and corrupt than ever. Indeed she was simply channeling MN mother. So what happened in the brief time span of me communicating with MN sister? MN mother got MN sister to send me a message. After 17 years without access to me, MN mother got MN sister to send me an email saying that I had no right to live.
“You have no right to live!” That was Malignant Narcissist Mother's Mantra  to me.  And 17 years earlier, during our final conversation before I went no contact, that’s exactly what she was continuing to drill into my head – “You have no right to exist!”   

Jesus. Is it any wonder I stayed the hell away from that vile bitch? I am now at the age she was when she really ramped-up her abuse, and regardless of my understanding of malignant narcissism, I will never be able to fathom how someone can be so mentally deranged and not be locked-up in an insane asylum. Malignant narcissists are dangerous and crazy, and evil and they really do get worse with age.  

So yeah, I think my mother is a cunt and I know she is a malignant narcissist and my blog is a testament to what a failure she and other mutants like her are as human beings. I won’t even give the bitch credit for being a failure as a mother.  Her label is CHILD ABUSER/ADULT CHILD ABUSER at which she excels. The sick twisted bitch gets off on humiliating, degrading and terrorizing her own child.  

If she can disintegrate that would be great, but it really makes no difference to me if that witch is dead or alive. I will never stop hating her. How could I ever stop hating someone who tried to systematically destroy me? The hatred doesn't just suddenly go away, it lives in my bones. So for those of you who think it will vanish, think again. You can hate and be indifferent at the same time. You can draw on the hate for protection, and the indifference will keep you focused and grounded. 
As far as my MN mother goes... dumb cunt pushed her luck. She fucked with the wrong person. She underestimated me. THIS is her legacy. She will go down in history as the vile sack of shit that she is – A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST. 

We need to recognize every malignant narcissist without prejudice. That is to say, we must be able to accept that they are ALL dangerous, regardless of their relationship to us. Once we can grasp that concept, we will not be enslaved by bullshit "family" shackles. 

In other words, fuck the DNA relationship! Get out now! 

Wednesday 15 June 2011

Malignant Narcissist Father: Human Extension, Soul Destroyer, Cause of Mental Illness

I saw Shine when it was released theatrically back in 1996, and to this day, I never forgot the final line of the film.
Standing over his malignant narcissist father’s grave, David is asked by his wife, “What do you feel?”

He answers, “The thing is. I feel nothing.”
When I saw Shine, it had been about six year since I last saw my malignant narcissist mother, and I knew I would never see her again.  Her toxic anger that she had projected into me was slowly dissipating. My body no longer reverberated at the very thought of her.  I knew that time would eventually heal me and release her Demon for good. All I had to do was to stay away from her - forever.  I was starting to “feel nothing.”  I pictured myself standing over her grave and reciting the line from the movie.
I didn’t know what malignant narcissism was when I saw Shine.  All I knew is that I identified with the story. When I saw the film it enraged me.  I wanted to stick my hands in the movie screen and strangled the father.  However, when I watched it recently, I saw it as a very hopeful film; almost triumphant.  As fragile as David was, he made the decision to escape enslavement of his abusive father and ultimately found acceptance, real love and a real family.  Never underestimate the strength of the non-narcissist child’s soul. The poster of a liberated David says it all.
The story of David Helfgott’s relationship with his father is a very good example of a malignant narcissist parent as “human extension,” “soul destroyer,” and “the cause of mental illness.”
The film opens with an adult David’s first intelligible ramblings being, “It’s a lifelong struggle to survive undamaged and not to destroy any living, breathing creature. The point is, if you do something wrong you can be punished for the rest of your life.”
What David is referring to in “doing something wrong” is making the decision to defy his father and go to The Royal College of Music in London. This reminds me of Conrad, who in the film Ordinary People,  says to his psychiatrist, “You just do one wrong thing.” The “one wrong thing” being surviving the boating accident while his brother, “the golden boy” drowned.  here
Conrad is tormented with guilt because he exists. His reaction coincides with the malignant narcissist mother’s mantra: “You have no right to live!”
David is tormented because he salvaged his self. His reaction coincides with the malignant narcissist parent as human extension: denying the child a right to a self.
The film Shine jumps back and forth from young David, to adult David, and teenage David. We see David as a young piano prodigy wowing the crowd while he plays at a music competition. A man remarks, “That boy is great. He’s really good.” David’s father proudly replies, “That’s my son.”    

Early on we find out that David’s father was a victim of his own narcissist father and has carried on the family pathology. When he was young he saved up enough money to buy a violin and his father smashed it, and denied him music lessons. Throughout the story he tries to make up for his childhood deprivation visa vie exploiting and sacrficing David. Sadly, he never transcended his relationship with his own malignant narcissist father; he merely survived it by becoming evil himself.
David’s father is a ruthless tyrant who tells him, “Always win. Always win. You’re a lucky boy. Say it, very lucky. One day you will make me very proud. Next time what are we going to do? We are going to win.”  
When David wins a prestigious music competition, his father shouts, “We won! We won!” The use of the word “we” indicating that his father doesn’t see his son as separate from himself. Also, he always refers to David as my David which indicates ownership.
When David gets an invitation to study at America’s finest music school his Father in enraged. Although he drives his son to succeed, he is spitefully envious at the attention he receives. He wants David to succeed but on his terms: he does not want David to separate from him and lead his own life.
The narcissist father is self-absorbed and his feelings, needs and wants are the most important thing. What’s right for his son, what’s best for his son is insignificant. He continually undermines David's development as a person because it threatens him.
He denies David the opportunity to go to America telling him, “You are lucky to have a family. I won’t let anyone destroy this family. I am your father and I know what’s best.” David’s father says to his wife, “What has he suffered? Never a day in his life. What does he know about families and my mother and father?”
David’s father constantly pulls the “family” guilt card on him. First, by making David pay for the abuse inflicted on him by his narcissist parent, and next by laying claim to David’s soul. “Family” simply means ownership to a narcissist. His father rules the roost and everyone revolves around him. His wife is nothing more than a voiceless slave and his daughters are just pieces of furniture.
David’s father terrorizes him and uses fear to control him and this manifests in David lacking self- confidence and being an incredibly anxious teen that still wets his bed. However, despite David’s fragile state, he is noticeably angry at his father's refusal to let him study piano in America. What follows is a disturbing scene of emotional incest where David’s father cuddles him and says, “David my Boy, it’s a terrible thing to hate your father. You can’t trust anyone, but I will always be here. I will always be with you forever and ever.”
When it comes to the malignant narcissist; a child's healthy reaction of anger to unjust treatment is perceived as hatred toward the offending parent. Naturally, it's always about the poor, hard done by narcissist. The child's assertion of their self-worth makes them feel bad. 

Also, with a narcissist parent there is perverse, engulfing, manipulative “love” to perverse, controlling hatred and abuse. There really is no in between: it goes from one extreme to the other which indicates that their idea of “love” is merely control and manipulation. And, should you fail to follow their script to the letter, apparently you "hate" them. The child's total compliance and absolute obedience means loves; any assertion of will, independence, or self, means hate.  The narcissist parent's emotional level remains in a perpetual state of infancy.
David eventually receives a scholarship to attend the prestigious Royal College of Music in London and this accomplishment incites his father’s jealous rage. He laughs at David and says to him, “So you just think you can do as you please? I am your father who has done everything for you!” He then beats David.
“So you just think you can do as you please?!”

Now this is a very familiar line. I was accepted into a special programme in high school that malignant narcissist mother continually lorded over me.  She constantly threatened to deny me of the opportunity. Some seven years after high school, she screamed over the phone, “You get to do whatever the hell you want!” I asked her what she meant, and she screamed, “You wanted to be in that programme in high school and you got to be in that programme!”

That was the last time I ever spoke to malignant narcissist mother. It was clear that not only was she insane but that she would forever remain bitter, spiteful and envious of my claim to a right to a life.  Needless to say, she abandoned her family - without a trace - during my year in that high school programme.

Behold; the perverse hypocrisy of the malignant narcissist parent: they abandon their parental responsibilities; no one, and I mean no one, takes them to task for the unconscionable act; and in their sick mind, the child "gets to do whatever the hell they want!" Hmm, projection much? The words: "Bat Shit Crazy" come to mind.
Back to David… His father tells him, if he goes to London, “You can never come back to this house again. You will be nobody’s son. The girls will lose a brother. You want to destroy your family?!  My David, if you go, you will be punished for the rest of your life!”
David claims his self and walks out the door. Hurrah!!
Again, I have heard this exact line, “If you leave now, you can never come back!”
Translation: I am a malignant narcissist parent, and you belong to me!  How dare you live a life of your own! My dreams were smashed and now I'm going to smash yours! Don’t you understand what family means?! It means ownership! You belong to me! If you refuse to relinquish your soul to me, you will be cast out into the world with nothing and no one. I will destroy you!

Early in the film an adult David mutters in one of his incoherent ramblings, “Perhaps, I haven’t got a soul? Daddy says, I haven’t got a soul.” Well, Daddy tried to sacrifice his son's soul in an effort to preserve his own narcissistic delusions.
The malignant narcissist parent is perversely willful. They ruthlessly pursue having their own way, all-the-time.  Absolute control is priority number one. Never think for a second that “the chosen one” has it good. For beneath the surface, they are but an empty, soulless puppet hanging by the strings of a controlling narcissist parent. They get what they deserve – psychological enslavement.
The malignant narcissist parent is insanely defensive and if you defy them in any way they will explode in fury, threaten, storm, rage and destroy. Taking ownership of your own life provokes their wrath. They are rendered impotent by a child who exercises their right to self-preservation. further, their bitterness over the child's "perceived" defiance eats away at them like a cancer.
So, David walks out the door and heads to London. The next scene shows his dad “vaporizing” him, a la George Orwell’s 1984. He sets fire to all of David’s scrap books, articles, and keepsakes. This also happened to me. I too was “vaporized” by malignant narcissist mother.
In London, David begins to shown signs of mental illness. He sends his father letters but his father doesn’t respond. During an intense recital he has a mental breakdown and is hospitalized and given shock treatment. He returns to Australia and telephones his father who hangs-up on him.

The malignant narcissist parent is callously indifferent to the child's welfare. They don't care at all if the child is sick, well, alive, or dead. The fact that David is all alone, ill, and homeless is insignificant. His father's only concern is winning the war he has waged on his son's soul.

The child is always better of without the malignant narcissist parent in their life. Had David's father allowed him back into the inner sanctum, he would have destroyed David completely.

We then see David living an adult life in a psychiatric hospital. It is never clear what mental illness he suffers from. He is described as having a complex disorder, and living in his own world. It is clear that all his nonsensical ramblings are all about his father’s destruction of him.  In the hospital, he rambles, “It was a battle ground. A war zone. It just destroys everything. It really does.”
It seems David’s father actually got so far into his head that he took over his thoughts to the point of mental illness. Shock therapy – that was administered to David – is about erasing memories; wiping the slate clean if you will. Obviously, shock did no good in getting David’s father out of his head.
So, David survives in the world, battling the ever present demons of his father’s abuse but eventually through the kindness of strangers finds acceptance for who he is, as well as love, and family.  He befriends a woman who owns a local restaurant, plays the piano for her patrons and eventually marries her good friend. A newspaper article is written about him: “David Shines. Remembering when…” His father reads the article and goes in search of his estranged son.
He arrives at David’s apartment and tells him, “You are a lucky boy David. No one will love you like me, no one. Do you realize what an opportunity you have here? When I was a boy, I bought a beautiful violin, I saved for this violin. Do you know what happened to it?” David is repelled and turns his back to his father. He pauses, realizing that his father has not changed, and he replies, “No. I have no idea what happened to it. What happened to it?” With that, David's father realizes he no longer has control over his son and walks out the door. David watches from his window as his father disappears into the night.
It’s a subtle, yet powerful scene of an adult child of a narcissist taking a stand and not giving in to the repetitive brain washing pattern of the abusive parent. By refusing to acknowledge his father’s violin story, David was letting him know that that chapter is over, and he had moved on. However, David’s narcissist father had not moved on. Indeed, he was forever stuck in the past, as most malignant narcissist parents are. They never change, they never grow as people, and they never get over that moment when a child "defies" them. In some kind of ironic twist of justice, the child’s exertion of independence ends up controlling them for the rest of their lives.
And so, David finds redemption. He embraces his passion for music and creates a loving family for himself.
And as the film draws to a close he says;

“I am here. And life goes on and you just have to keep on going. You can’t give-up.”


Sunday 29 May 2011

Narcissistic Abuse and Anger


I thought I would address the issue of anger and narcissistic abuse by re-posting the best piece of writing that I have come across on the subject. No one said it better than crusader and trail blazer for the victims of narcissistic abuse – Kathy Krajco:
He who angers you controls you.
Baloney.  That popular adage does not pass a basic nonsense check. Look, it says that good boys and girls are so numb that nobody can make them feel any emotion. It is also exactly anti-logical, blaming the victim. It pathologizes you, the victim of the narcissist, instead of the narcissist.
Stuff like that is my pet peeve. Once you start noticing how much political correctness is anti-logic, you can’t help but wonder (with Mark Twain) whether anyone examines an idea before swallowing it whole.
We should be more careful what we let into our minds than what we let into our bodies. Rot adage like that does great added harm to the victims of abuse. First the narcissist outrages you until you want to scream. Then the do-gooders come along and tell you your outrage is a sin. Now, if that ain’t the Sin of Sodom (making someone bend over for it), I don’t know what is.
But don’t take my word for it. Think for yourself.
The reasoning goes like this: So, the narcissist’s abuse is nothing to get angry about? You are to act as though it didn’t happen? In other words, you are to make nothing of it, right?
Wrong. For, if it is nothing, then you are nothing. Why? Because everybody knows that if I bash an object, that’s nothing, but if I bash a human being, that’s something. If I step on a bug, that’s nothing, but if I step on a human being, that’s something.
Yet, no matter what, the do-gooders just don’t get it – until they’re the one that gets bashed. Then they see the degrading value judgement in making nothing of it.
By telling you to make nothing of it, they are telling you that abusing you was nothing. That means you are nothing. Indeed, if your abuser bashed your automobile, they wouldn’t tell you to make nothing of it, would they? An automobile is a thing of value, so harm done to it requires reparation. But, harm done to you is nothing, eh? What a dehumanizing value judgement.
And it lands on top of the one the narcissist dumped on you. Feel better now?
First the narcissist got on your back, and now they pile on too. The holier-than-thous should be criticizing the abuser’s behaviour, not the victim’s. There’s a name for people like that, “Job’s Comforters” or “troublesome comforters.” That’s what I mean when I say people saying stuff like this do more harm than good. Pound, pound, pound, they all pound you down with that club that says Doing that to you was nothing = You are nothing. And it’s a sin for you to not cover up for the narcissist by acting like it didn’t happen.
Just what you needed to hear, right? So, whose side are they really on? Whether they realize it or not? Hard to take, isn’t it? What a heartless thing to do to a person already down.
Why can’t they just break down and say that it causes them sorrow to hear what was done to you and that it really sucked? Then all they have to do is act like you mean something to them. Why is that asking too much? Why do you get all that other crap instead?
Sometimes I think they just don’t want your sad little face to rain on their day. I think it’s for their sake that they want you to take Prozac. They just want to make it go away, to act like it didn’t happen.
If it’s a sin to even be angry about degrading treatment, then what can you do to contradict the humiliating value judgement in it? Nothing. If merely feeling an emotion is stepping off the straight-and-narrow, what could they give you permission to do? Nothing!
Ah, it seems to me that the one whose hands they should tie is your abuser, not you. This way they are accessories to mayhem.
The more you think about it, the more ridiculous the moralizing gets, doesn’t it? Parrots who get their morality from prime-time TV thus deny you the most basic human right – the right to protect yourself. Just what kind of a person would docilely accept abuse? A person who thinks anything of him or her – self? A person with any self-respect? Any dignity? Integrity? A backbone? If you are the victim of a narcissist, you know your anger is your assertion of your self-worth.
Sounders like to sound good by making other sound bad for not taking an affront to their human dignity as though it were nothing. Is that not rubbing the victim’s nose in it? That’s what it feels like. It’s no longer just the narcissist abusing you, the whole world piles on to. This is what breaks the victim’s back. Forcing him to join in a zero valuation of himself. The result of this self-betrayal is self-hatred precisely what drives so many victims of narcissists to needing psychiatric help themselves.
So if specious pontifications like the one at the top have you on a guilt trip, get off.
Feelings are not conduct. No clear-thinking person should confuse feelings with conduct. Conduct is a matter of choice. Feelings are not a matter of choice. So, the notion that feelings can be “right” or “wrong” is absurd. They just ARE, period. Indeed, if you get burnt, you should feel burnt. If you don’t, something is wrong with you.
Others should not judge your feelings. I do not understand why those who believe in God are the most prone to do this, for it out-gods their God (who, according to their scriptures, Judges conduct only). Judging feeling is in itself narcissistic behaviour. In doing so, do-gooders are serving as proxy for your abuser.
You can lie about your feelings. You can go into denial about them. And you can even repress them. But you cannot change them.
Denying or repressing feelings is a lie. Now that is a matter of choice, and lying is bad for you. It’s self-delusion. It’s a kind of self-induced hypnosis to a state of emotional numbness. Not mentally healthy.
Repressed feelings are merely submerged to the level of the subconscious. But the subconscious is just subconscious: it isn’t gone. Things buried are still active. They influence and motivate your behaviour without your knowledge. In other words, repressed feelings rule your conduct like an unseen puppet master. Thus, ironically, it is by getting you to deny your anger that the narcissist controls you.
Accept your feelings. Own them. Know them. Experience the tremendous relief and comfort in that. Then you can temper their influence on your conduct with reason and good judgement. You are responsible for your conduct not your feelings. Just because you are angry does not mean you are out of control of yourself as that stupid saying implies. It is the narcissist who has no self-control, not his or her victim.
Your anger, like any pain, will pass. If someone punches you, he is to blame for your pain, not you. By the same token, the one to blame for your anger is the narcissist, not you.

Sunday 22 May 2011

When Both Parents are Narcissists: A Soul Destroying Duo


If you had a narcissist for a parent, you are probably not afraid of dying and going to hell --- you have already lived hell on earth.”   
                                            Joanna Ashmun


Imagine having two narcissists as parents.  Imagine the twisted family system two disordered individuals would create. Imagine; if you will, the marriage of supreme narcissists: Dorian Gray of Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray, and the Evil Queen of the Brothers Grimm, Snow White. Imagine living under the rule of these two noxious pathologicals. Imagine a warped world filled with destruction, distortions, delusions, and denial.
                                                       
The Evil Queen – malignant narcissist
The Queen is a beautiful woman who has a magic looking glass that she speaks to while she gazes at her reflection. The looking glass tells the Queen that she is the fairest in the land. That’s exactly what she needs to hear: that she in number one. Being on top – being the most powerful – means that she is in complete control: that other people don't exist without reference to herself.  When the Queen feels even the slightest threat to her omnipotence she becomes aggravated and needy and turns to the looking-glass for reassurance.
“Who is the fairest of us all?” She asks. 
The looking glass answers, “Queen, you are full fair, ‘tis true, but Snow White fairer is than you.”
“This gives the Queen a great shock, and she becomes yellow and green with envy, and from that hour her heart turns against Snow White, and she hates her. And envy and pride like ill weeds grow in her heart higher every day, until she has no peace day or night.”
The Queen’s absorption in her beauty doesn’t give her much pleasure; she doesn’t desire power through sexual seduction or attractiveness: what are stressed in the Queen's vanity is her pride.  She is driven by anger, fear and envy and the realization that as she and Snow White grow older she will lose and the Queen must never lose.  And, as Snow White grows lovelier and comes into her own as a separate identity, the Queen becomes more hideous and covetous: hating Snow White for becoming her reverse mirror and representing everything she is not.
At last the Queen sends for a huntsman, and commands him, “Take the child out into the woods, so that I may set eyes on her no more. You must put her to death, and bring me her heart for a token.”  
In order for the queen to find peace of mind, she must destroy the object of her interminable frustration – Snow White/her reverse mirror.  Since the huntsman lets Snow White go free,  the odious Queen must patiently and persistently stalks Snow White, never letting up until she brings her to death and has her heart: a symbol of what she lacks. The malignant narcissist is a covetous creature that derives pleasure in taking what she lacks from others. However, she has no interest in having admirable qualities in herself. 

In order to take; the Queen must stalk. It is her predatory nature and the stalking of her targeted prey – Snow White – that earn her the title of malignant which is synonymous with evil.
Dorian Gray - full blown narcissist:
Dorian Gray is a handsome young man who becomes spellbound by his own portrait.  He desires to be forever young and gives up his soul so that the painting may age and his appearance will remain unchanged.
Dorian lives a charmed life of pleasures both good and bad. He’s a seductive presence with the upper crust hedonistic ‘in crowd’ but also enjoys the debauched decadence that the seedy underworld of opium dens brings. 
His good looks and charisma attract many admirers such as Sibyl Vance - a talented actress- who he plans to marry. However, once their love becomes real, Sibyl loses her acting ability, and Dorian cruelly spurns her. She is no longer the trophy wife he had wished for, and as a result, she is devalued and discarded. Sibyl reacts to the rejection by committing suicide and Dorian’s portrait takes on a cruel expression.   
Dorian’s moral corruption increases throughout the story with his true character being inscribed only on the painting. The portrait serves as a reminder to Dorian of each immoral act upon his soul, and each transgression is displayed as a disfigurement of his form, or through a sign of aging.

The deterioration of his portrait enrages Dorian and he blames Basil - the artist of the painting -for the path his life has taken and decides to kill him. Dorian never holds himself accountable for the choices he makes; instead he justifies his actions according to the philosophy of new hedonism. Moreover, Dorian absolves himself of blame for Basil’s death, contending that it was the knife that committed the murder.

Dorian also blackmails good friend and fellow decadent Alan Campbell to dispose of Basil’s dead body and Campbell later commits suicide.  Eventually, Dorian can't bare the look of cynicism, cruelty and morel hypocrisy in the painting. He attempts to slash it and ends up killing himself and the painting returns to its pristine, youthful appearance.
The story questions the authenticity of surface appearance. Even Lord Henry – the smartest man in the book – is blinded by Dorian’s beauty to the extent that he dismisses the suggestion that a man like Dorian could commit murder.  Outwardly, Dorian is youthful and innocent yet his callous indifference wreaks havoc on the lives of everyone around him.  Aside from the murder of Basil – which was not premeditated and more a crime of passion – Dorian doesn't go out of his way to destroy others. He's unconcerned with what others think of him and he has no interest in idle gossip. His aloof nature simply lures others toward him: they find him irresistible and offer themselves up to him as sacrifices.
Dorian is a seducer and exploiter; he is not a predator; his indifference makes him passive; therefore he earns the title of narcissist.
Two styles of narcissism:
If we look at the Evil Queen as a malignant narcissist mother we see that she targets the child that threatens her delusions and embarks on a lifelong campaign to destroy that child. She stalks her young as prey. However, no human being can be in attack mode at all times so her malice is sometimes interspersed with indifference - the malignant narcissist is mainly malevolent and other people are objects of her obsession.
As a full-blown narcissist, Dorian teeters on the edge of malignancy – it resides within him but is usually dormant. In other words, his extreme self-absorption and indifference towards others is sometimes peppered with intermittent outbursts of cruelty - the narcissist is mainly indifferent and other people are merely supply and of little consequence.  
Each narcissist craves different types of supply: the Queen wants total power and control over others – she must be obeyed. Dorian wants to be worshipped and admired by others – he must be desired. The Queen generates her supply from within - her mind: scheming, plotting, head games, etc. Dorian generates his supply outwardly – his body. Ironically, each of the channels the narcissists use to funnel in supply ultimately leads to their undoing. For instance; the Queen's abuse of her mind leads to her madness and Dorian's abuse of his body leads to his ugliness.
(I'm aware of the terms cerebral and somatic narcissist but would rather refer to these narcissists as  predatory and passive).
The Queen’s dark drug of choice is to deliberately cause others harm and feed off their pain. Seeing others suffer acts as an opiate that sooths the malignant narcissist from the discomfort  of her frustrations.
Dorian’s dark drug of choice is to have a large fan base and draw people close and then reject them: having a never ending stream of attention and admiration gives him a huge narcissistic boost and acts as an adrenalin rush – the buzz makes him feel powerful.   
It's as if the predatory/malignant narcissist needs a downer (a pain killer) to quell fear, anger and the agitation caused by envy; while the passive narcissist needs an upper (a stimulant) to jack-up his ego and kick start his confidence.

When it comes right down to it - aside from the different ways these two obtain narcissistic supply - they are essentially the same. In other words, they share all of the same reprehensible narcissistic traits. For example, their outer appearance masks their true nature. Dorian is handsome, smooth and classy on the outside but has a slimy underside that causes ruin in his life and others. The Queen is beautiful, controlled, and noble on the outside but is secretly a crazy, covetous, homicidal maniac. They also both deny reality and any responsibilities for their actions; lack empathy and a conscience; are immature, amoral, cruel, callous, cold, indifferent, grandiose, deluded, selfish, entitled and total frauds etc. etc. 
Unfortunately, the main thing this gruesome twosome has in common is that neither one of them will allow anyone to get close enough to them to access their souls; for they both sold their souls in an effort to preserve their narcissistic image. Sadly, that is precisely why these two narcissists would be drawn to one another. The end result of two amoral, selfish, stunted people coming together to raise a family would be abuse, neglect, abandonment and exploitation of the children - to name a few.

The life of a child under the care of these two classic narcissists would be a horror story not a fairy tale.