Monday 18 November 2013

How To "Play" A Narcissist in Robot Mode





I titled this post “How To Play A Narcissist” because based on the most popular key search words listed in my blog stats, that’s what people want to know – how to fuck with a narcissist, how to mess with a narcissist, piss off a narcissist, squash a narcissist, get back at a narcissist, destroy a narcissist, drive a narcissist insane, and beat a narcissist at his own game.

The general public isn’t searching for information on how to “relate” with a narcissist because narcissists don’t relate – narcissists play games. Every interaction with a narcissist is about mind control and manipulation. In every interaction, the narcissist is calculating formulas to come out on top. Figuring this out - that a “normal” human interaction/relationship with a narcissist is impossible because you are merely a chess piece in the game a narcissist is always playing and must always play to win - is the first step. The second step is playing the game by NOT playing the game. THAT’S how you mess with a narcissist, that’s how you “PLAY” a narcissist. At least it’s one way, and it will be the focus of my post.

A narcissist once said to me, “Lisette, I’m finding you very difficult to read.” With a blank expression, I looked him square in the eyes and shrugged. He turned away from me, and shook his head in confusion. One the outside, I may have looked like an unemotional automaton, but on the inside I was air punching and giving the N a devious smirk. Not being able to “read” me was EXACTLY what I was aiming for. This particular N got his jollies keeping women off-balance by making them feel inadequate and insecure. I knew his game well. It had been “played” on me a million times. Now I knew better. Before his eyes, I morphed into “Robot Mode” and threw him off his game. Growing-up in a family with three full-blown narcissists, where I was not allowed to feel anything or express anything – even on my face – enabled me to perfect the art of Robot Mode.  I can’t tell you the number of times MN mother and father sniped: “Wipe that look off your face, or I’ll wipe it off for you!”

But the Robot Mode I’m talking about now is not the same hiding place I retreated to as a child or a young adult. It’s not a mode of mental or emotional withdrawal, in fact, it’s just the opposite. It’s about conducting yourself like a sharply honed machine that takes in data from the narcissist, quickly assimilates it and responds accordingly. It’s about staying very present around a narcissist, and focusing on the narcissist’s behavior, not how the narcissist makes you feel. Sure, the narcissist may very well succeed at making you feel insecure, angry, guilty or ashamed but in the presence of a narcissist, you cannot focus on your feelings because then you will emote. Feel it, you’re only human, but don’t reveal it… to a narcissist.  

Actors are trained to “emote” for the camera so they can convey to the movie audience what they are thinking and feeling. But because film screens are so huge, actors must learn the art of subtlety so they don’t look like they are over-acting. They show the audience what’s going on inside of them with understated clues. For example, a squint, an arched eyebrow, a hand gesture, a scratch, a change in posture etc. – these are all “tells.”

In the game of poker – and remember narcissists are always playing games – a “tell” is any physical reaction, change in behavior, demeanor or habit that gives clues about your hand. A player gains an advantage if they observe and understand the meaning of another’s tell, particularly if the tell is unconscious.

Narcissists continually play this clandestine game of me versus you, and they never stop scanning their (unsuspecting) opponent for verbal and non-verbal cues that they can exploit to gain the upper hand. Playing people is what they do. They play to win and they don’t like to be challenged. Never let a narcissist know what’s in your hand.

How do you challenge a narcissist in this game? Like I said, by giving them nothing – zero, zip, nada. Play your cards close to your vest, put on your poker face, and don’t give away any “tells.” The narcissist’s game is mental. It’s all about controlling and manipulating your THOUGHTS. Your emotions and behaviors are connected to your feelings and your feelings are connected to your thoughts, so the narcissist pays very close attention to people’s reactions and to everything they say and do. They are manipulation machines that constantly regulate your reactions so they can plant thoughts into your head that you think are yours. But these THOUGHTS are not yours; they are nasty seeds of doubts planted by the narcissist game player who wants to control your mind. Yup, thoughts planted in your head by someone else is plain and simple mind-control. It’s the basis of narcissistic abuse.

Narcissists are essentially technicians who search for a precise technique that they can turn into a formula for success. They are programmed to do what works. The narc machine knows to get “Y” kind of reaction, do an “X” kind of behavior or to get “Y” kind of reaction say an “X” kind of thing. Narcissists know that certain types of behavior elicits a particular type of response. They acquire these stock behaviors as children and then they become habits. These nasty habits soon become second nature, and eventually ARE the narcissist’s true nature. Narcissists all seem to be hard-wired the same way. Maybe that’s the reason they all seem to follow the same set of instructions – what many ACONs have referred to as the “Narc Handbook.”

You need to distance yourself psychologically and emotionally from narcissists. To beat a narcissist machine, you must think and behave like a machine. In Robot Mode you do not respond to emotional and psychological stimuli. Robots are detached. They don’t emote. Robots don’t react. A Robot’s hard drive (your mind and emotions) cannot be tampered with. Remember; despite the narcissist's unfeeling nature, they are very aware that YOUR emotions fuel how you see and experience your reality, and your perceptions ultimately drive your behavior. When our emotions are out-of-control, our perceptions become obscured and this can drive us to self-destructive acts. Bingo! The scheming narcissists wants you to self-destruct, and an emotionally uncontrolled target with combat fatigue is ripe for a hijacking.

The Narcissist's lack of affect is particularly valuable to them. They can respond to situations without being constrained by principles, morality or feelings. They can callously use people without the slightest thought for their welfare, and at the same time smile to their face while “playing” them, which usually involves exploitation of some sort, and plotting and scheming behind their back. So, as you can see, a lack of affect works well for the narcissist, and a lack of affect can also work for you. Particularly, when the narcissist machine is trying to get the desired reaction from you. In other words, “information” (verbal or non-verbal, conscious or unconscious cues) they can use to EXPLOIT you. 

So, the narcissist learns formulas to achieve the desired effect:  to get a certain kind of reaction from you. The old saying “they do what works” is very true. All that matters to the N is how they appear in the mirror of your face. Nothing else is any consideration. Not morality, consequence, or the good of the other person. Narcissists only look at others to see how others are REACTING to them. The narcissist is not connected to themselves in any real way. They are connected to an image that is reflected back to them. The face doesn’t matter – you don’t matter – only the expression on the face does. The narcissist is someone who goes through life fixated on images, which amounts to the “right” kind of looks on other people’s faces. And you aren’t even responsible for the expression on your face… or the “right” look. The narcissist is! By sheer manipulation, the narcissist has manufactured in you, his/her desired mirror image.

Essentially, narcissists have figured out a formula to get you to unwittingly collude in their game of delusions and lies. They are shady tricksters who adjust their image and manipulate you in order to meet the demands of their narcissism. So what kind of impression does their narcissism demand?  What is the most potent reflection in their mirror?  POWER. That’s what the narcissist lusts after – POWER. Nothing makes a narc feel grander. Nothing gives a narcissist a bigger high than POWER.  Even if that power is reflected in the frightened eyes of a vulnerable child. Pretty sick – huh?

Power can look like many different things in each of the narcissist’s mirrors. One that comes to mind is confusion. The evil narcissist gets something akin to a drug rush seeing confusion reflected back. Confusion means that the narcissist has gained access to your mind, and mind-control is the name of the game when it comes to narcissistic abuse.

At the beginning of the post I mentioned that I confused a narcissist because he found me hard to “read.” Narcissists use sneaky, subtle ways to aggrandize themselves, and get you to reflect back to them their desired mirror image. This particular narc was playing me so that I would bounce back a look that would make him feel psychologically dominant. But I wouldn’t engage/react and this confused him. Psychological domination is the most glorious form of power for the malignant narcissist.  In fact, any negative reaction the narcissist elicits in you makes him feel powerful. For the narcissist, it’s all about destroying his opponent bit by bit, piece by piece. Engaging in the narcissist’s game is like offering up your juiciest vein and letting the narcissist stick a needle in it, and feed his poison to you intravenously. Drip, drop, drip, drop. Slowly but surely the narcissist destroys his victim.

Now real power for a narcissist is seeing people miserable and heart-broken and begging for mercy.  I’m not saying morph into an expressionless Robot and stand there and take abuse and not fight back. I’m suggesting you give the narcissist nothing, no reaction, and get the hell away from them. Narcissists are black and white, Jekyll and Hyde and sometimes that’s how you have to react to them. In other words, all or nothing. If it’s safe to do so, give it right back to them, get away, or give them nothing at all. It’s your call. Every situation is unique.

Feeling good? Feeling fine? Feeling happy? Well, that’s out of line. Unless the narcissist is the cause of your happiness, they don’t want to see it in your face when they look at you. Narcs hate you for being happy, so they will do whatever it takes to make you unhappy.

Narcissists see no value in people other than what they can get from them as supply. There is an inner emptiness, a massive dark void beneath their slick machine-like operating system, and as a result, they are cold and calculating and everything they say and do is systematically premeditated for effect – to get the desired look, reaction or behavior from you. I would rather give my toaster oven a big hug over a narc. If I want comforting, I will turn to my toaster. So give your toaster oven a big hug because that piece of metal has more feeling for you than a narcissist ever will. And it will also broil cheese on toast for you. Now that’s comforting.

Morphing into Robot Mode around a narcissist is not about numbness, and disassociating. It’s about applying cold calculating machinations on someone who is trying to get into your head and mess with it. It’s about “appearing” to be an unfeeling machine toward the narcissist, just like the narcissist is toward you. Robot Mode is essentially disengaging from the narcissist’s game. It's about being self-controlled and alert because a lack of emotional control will always make you vulnerable to a narcissist. 

Now those who have had the life sucked out of them by a narcissist really are hollowed-out zombies. They are the people that’s souls have been murdered but their body is still living. They are dead inside. They are the people who we regard as having the lights on, but no one’s home. I say dupe the narcissist into believing they have erased your brain. Your lights may appear “out” but someone is most definitely home; placing booby traps, setting alarm systems, and standing by the door in the dark with a baseball bat ready to bash-in the head of the narc intruder.

Narcs have a way of controlling and manipulating people’s emotions without even trying. Not letting a narc “read” you is like refusing to let them know where you live, or where you hide your house keys or what your home security code is. Don’t give it up to a narcissist. Invalidate them. Have you ever gotten a reptilian stare back and zero response from a narc while you’re having a face-to-face conversation with one, and after you’ve told them something that was important to you? I have. That dead air is a way for them to invalidate you. That weird silence is a way for them to communicate that a response to you is not worth their breath. They outright ignore you like you aren’t even there. And the N machine doesn’t even flinch while he does this. Well, I say we invalidate and ignore the narcissist right back. When they look at the mirror of your face to gaze upon their reflection, reflect nothing back. Let the narcissist see nothing, let the narcissist feel like he does not exist. So how do we do this? Robot Mode.

Robot Mode is about reflecting NOTHING back to the narcissist. It’s about taking away the narcissist’s mirror.

So, here’s how I am when I am visiting planet narcissism – without witnesses - in the presence of the only narcissist I have a relationship: I am a Robot. Yup, that’s right. No noticeable joy and happiness, no sadness, no anger, nothing much in between. No emotions, period. No reactions, no reflections. I don’t want to give the narcissist any ammo. I refuse to engage. I keep a low profile and don’t draw attention to myself. Sadly, this is exactly what the narcissist wants: for others to be mindless automatons, a non-person who won't make them feel bad or usurp their attention. The thing is; I give the narcissist nothing. I've grown completely indifferent to them. No attention, no regard, no reason to attack. Hell, I’m a Robot; just like the narcissist and I’m not capable of a normal human interaction on planet narcissism and I’m devoid of all supply.

Be your own Robot Commando. Obey YOUR every command, NOT the narcissist's. Be in charge of YOU. 

Sunday 3 November 2013

Why We Should Expose Narcissists




Malignant narcissism is a dark subject. And blogging about it is intense.


It takes going to an uncomfortable place to find my rage. It requires mental and emotional face time with bad memories. And in the case of this blogger, it's requires embracing my own darkness: my unadulterated hatred of what passes as human. If this seems extreme to you then you've probably never stared into the dead eyes of a smirking malignant narcissist.

Blogging about narcissism and the more malignant variety isn't just about the writing. It's also about the reading. The interacting. It's about the environment where we are "free" to express our truth. And it's about maintaining that freedom by keeping watch over our environment and fighting for our convictions. It's a battle in the real and online world.

Hey Narcs, you stop lying about me and I'll stop telling the TRUTH about you.

The bull-shit never ends.

I'm not done exposing them... doubt I ever will be. I can't just switch my bull-shit detector to "off." It doesn't work that way. It's not about  "healing" or "recovering" from N abuse and then becoming complaisant. Now wouldn't the narcissists love that? For all of us to miraculously "heal" from their atrocities - Hallelujah! - and fade away into the background. That must mean you're "well", right? When you are no longer outraged by injustice.

As long as there is a personality disordered abuser or some other unspecified fuckhead getting all up in my grill in real life or online, I will challenge them. It's the narcissist’s nature to harm others and it's my nature to go after bullies. My desire to speak the truth, my truth, will remain long after I stop blogging. It's my passion.

I tell you this because I am damn sick and tired of people labeling truthful blogs, vulnerability, authenticity and righteous anger as a sign of weakness or being "stuck", or not "healed" or not "recovering" or "playing the victim" or being "vengeful" ... blah de blah blah. Does it ever occur to this pinhead that maybe some people are natural fighters, truth tellers and supporters and that’s why they're writing about this stuff? Does it ever occur to these scaredy cats that these bloggers and commenters are brave? Airing so-called "dirty laundry" is about exposing the nuances of abuse. It's about participating in a dialogue and keeping the information on narcissists alive and out there? Does it ever occur to these "silencers" that the movement to expose the pathologicals among us is bigger than the sum of its parts? When people march in a rally are they doing it just for themselves? No. They're doing it for the cause, the greater good. I know all of this sounds idealistic. But frankly, I don't know where the hell I would be if it weren't for the brave souls who first took to the net to carve the way. A difference is being made. For me, blogging on this subject is about activism.

You're either part of the problem or part of the solution. So what's the solution? So much exposure that being able to spot a narcissist and run like hell before they bite becomes second nature to all. And if you can't run before they harm you, you expose their sorry ass because it's the societal "norm" to do so. I look forward to the day when emotional abuse is considered a crime punishable by law.
 

Thursday 16 May 2013

Narcissist Sympathizers



Narcissist Sympathizers
By Kathy Krajco


I, for one, am sick of the insult to our intelligence in narcissist sympathizers trying to hand people the line that the poor, poor narcissist doesn't mean to hurt anyone, that they don't know what they are doing, that it just sort of happens, that they think they are behaving normally.
Your brain must be dead if you think that people who abuse ONLY ON THE SLY - behaving like angels when there are witnesses - don't know exactly what they're doing.
To the bullet-headed narcissist sympathizers, I say, "Try real, real hard to understand. Bend a brain cell or two. Repeat to yourself 100 times that "He abuses only in the dark. When other people are watching, he acts like he's full of loving kindness even toward the very one he abuses in the dark."
Maybe if you repeat that simple fact to yourself 100 times, it will sink in. Think. Think real, real hard what it means. Really work at lifting that mental weight. Come on, you can do it. If you try real, real hard you will understand what this simple fact means.
Circumcize your crusty brain, because the average ten-year-old knows that if you hide what you are doing, you know what you are doing and that it's wrong.
Especially when you go to great lengths putting on a phony show of being the exact opposite type of person.
Get a clue: that ain't mental illness; that's just diabolical.
What's more, even the average ten year-old is smart enough to know that if you can control yourself when there are witnesses, you can control yourself when there aren't.
Too complex? Read my lips: that ain't mental illness; that's just sneakiness to get away with wrongdoing.
Sorry, but if you narcissist sympathizers can't see that, no one can enlighten you.
What's more, narcissists are sadistic. The well-known narcissist Sam Vaknin himself often says this. And anyone abused by a narcissist knows it.
Sadism is proof positive of the intent to cause pain.
It is also proof positive of the ability to empathize when the narcissist or psychopath wants to. Unfortunately, the only time they choose to empathize is when calculating what to do to cause maximum pain. You know - the empathy of a professional torturer, used only to feel out what type of treatment will wound most deeply.
The courts know all this too. Psychopaths (who are all narcissists too) and other narcissists flunk with flying colors all the insanity tests. Which is why NPD and psychopathy are no defense and are considered character disorders, not personality disorders.
And the mental health establishment has no credibility on the question, since they call cigarette smoking a mental illness and called homosexuality a mental illness till the day the politically correct wind shifted. How can anyone respect the judgement of a herd like that?
While I won't argue that NPD isn't a mental illness, I see that, if it is, it is far more likely the fruit of thoroughly depraved character, not the cause.
If you must twist your brain into a bowlful of tangled spaghetti to "rationalize" irrational and predatory behavior, you are going to end up with a damaged mind. But it's an EFFECT, not a cause, of vicious behavior.
But, go ahead, narcissist sympathizers. Insult your own intelligence all you want: it's a free country. Just don't expect anything but what you have coming for insulting mine or anyone else's.




Saturday 11 May 2013

A Malignant Narcissist Mother's Day



I began my blog on Mother’s Day two years ago, and marked the annual merchandizing love fest with the post The Malignant Narcissist Mother is Callous and Selfish, followed by The Malignant Narcissist Mother is Grandiose and Indifferent.  Yes, the date I launched my blog was intentional. House of Mirrors is like one giant “fuck you” greeting card to the evil Malignant Narcissist Mothers of the world. Hallmark just never seemed to have what I was looking for.
So it is on the holy-day of Mothers that I celebrate my irreverent exposé of the cruel woman who birthed me and then systematically tried to destroy me. Cheers to two years of unmasking the nasty MN bitch and others like her!
23 years ago I went no contact with my malignant narcissist mother, so all this Mother’s Day propaganda doesn’t register with me. The bitch has been out of my life longer than she was in it. I just don’t care. However, it IS my blogoversary and I noticed recently that a lot of people have found their way to HOM by consulting the Google Oracle on such topics as “seeing narcissist mom on mother’s day” and “how to avoid narcissistic mother on mother’s day” so I figured I would write a post.  

My first thought was to write the post in the form of a letter to MN mother, but then I thought “nah” that’s way too personal. Letters are a form of communication and I don’t want to communicate with her in any way ever again, and besides, I have nothing more to say to her. She knows that I know that her only goal as a “mother” was to systematically destroy me, and instill in me the belief that I have no right to live. She also knows that I hate her guts, and that I think she’s a malignant narcissist and a cunt. What else is there to say?
 “Betty, you malignant narcissist cunt, I hope you rot in hell!”

Those were my last words to her. She knows where she stands. That’s as good as it gets as far as closure goes with a MN parent. I have never regretted going no contact and I have never regretted letting her know what I think of her. By the way, going no contact with MN mother was not instigated by some great revelation. I was at a geographic distance from her for many years and when I went to visit her one Christmas I found her crazier and meaner than the last time I saw her. Common sense dictated that the bitch was never going to change and that she would continue to be a danger to me so I needed to stay the hell away from her. It wasn’t complicated. I treated MN “mother” as I would any bully that was hell bent on harming me – I wanted nothing to do with her.
Staying the fuck away from my malignant narcissist mother has never been a dilemma for me, probably because I have never viewed her as a “mother.” Yes, the bitch gave birth to me, someone had to, but she never earned the title of “mother” in my eyes. I was never remotely connected to her and never bonded with her in any way. I always saw her for what she was: a malicious, sadistic witch who got off on hurting me and tried to psychologically murder me. I suppose I should consider myself lucky in that regard; that I had the good sense to separate the title “Mother” that society blindly adorned her with, to her actual behavior as a dangerous predator. Call me unsentimental, but the bitch is just another malignant narcissist to me. And after two decades of no contact, she doesn't even make it on my list of top three most hated MNs. Those slots are filled by other MNs whose heads I would love to see bashed-in, including malignant narcissist sister.


Speaking of malignant narcissist sister, it was through her MN franken daughter ways that I received proof positive that my choice to go no contact with that vile woman known as my “mother” was without a doubt, the right one. After 17 years of complete no contact with MN mother and MN sister, I made the mistake of contacting MN sister. My thinking was that maybe she had changed and become normal. Fat chance. MN sister was even more deranged and corrupt than ever. Indeed she was simply channeling MN mother. So what happened in the brief time span of me communicating with MN sister? MN mother got MN sister to send me a message. After 17 years without access to me, MN mother got MN sister to send me an email saying that I had no right to live.
“You have no right to live!” That was Malignant Narcissist Mother's Mantra  to me.  And 17 years earlier, during our final conversation before I went no contact, that’s exactly what she was continuing to drill into my head – “You have no right to exist!”   

Jesus. Is it any wonder I stayed the hell away from that vile bitch? I am now at the age she was when she really ramped-up her abuse, and regardless of my understanding of malignant narcissism, I will never be able to fathom how someone can be so mentally deranged and not be locked-up in an insane asylum. Malignant narcissists are dangerous and crazy, and evil and they really do get worse with age.  

So yeah, I think my mother is a cunt and I know she is a malignant narcissist and my blog is a testament to what a failure she and other mutants like her are as human beings. I won’t even give the bitch credit for being a failure as a mother.  Her label is CHILD ABUSER/ADULT CHILD ABUSER at which she excels. The sick twisted bitch gets off on humiliating, degrading and terrorizing her own child.  

If she can disintegrate that would be great, but it really makes no difference to me if that witch is dead or alive. I will never stop hating her. How could I ever stop hating someone who tried to systematically destroy me? The hatred doesn't just suddenly go away, it lives in my bones. So for those of you who think it will vanish, think again. You can hate and be indifferent at the same time. You can draw on the hate for protection, and the indifference will keep you focused and grounded. 
As far as my MN mother goes... dumb cunt pushed her luck. She fucked with the wrong person. She underestimated me. THIS is her legacy. She will go down in history as the vile sack of shit that she is – A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST. 

We need to recognize every malignant narcissist without prejudice. That is to say, we must be able to accept that they are ALL dangerous, regardless of their relationship to us. Once we can grasp that concept, we will not be enslaved by bullshit "family" shackles. 

In other words, fuck the DNA relationship! Get out now!