Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Malignant Narcissist Parent as Soul Stalker

According to Law: 

Criminal harassment, more commonly known as STALKING, is a crime. Generally, it consists of repeated conduct that is carried out over a period of time which causes you to reasonably fear for your safety (mental, emotional, psychological, physical).
Individuals who stalk may possess one or more various psychological conditions, from personality disorders to mental illness. Most individuals who stalk are engaging in obsessional behaviour. They have persistent thoughts and ideas concerning the objects of their attention.

According to Dr. Frank Ochberg, Harvard trained MD and trauma expert:
The victim of a narcissist is traumatized. There are biochemical changes in the body and structural changes in the brain. Thought patterns change, memories are lost, immune system strongly affected, brain cells die, there is chest pain, muscle pain, feelings are intense and emotions are chaotic.
According to malignant narcissists:

"Why the the hell should we have to act a certain way?! Hurting and humiliating others makes us feel good. Why can’t you just obey us and let us have our drug?!”
Every malignant narcissist I’ve known is EVIL, and every malignant narcissist I’ve known is a STALKER, and every malignant narcissist I’ve known should have a police record. If it was a different kind of world; I would sue their asses and slap them with the label they are so richly deserving of - CRIMINAL.

SOUL MURDER does not happen overnight: it is an unrelenting pattern of criminal behaviour involving the stalking and systematic destruction of the victim’s soul - a person's essence. In the case of malignant narcissist parents; it’s a lifelong pattern of abuse committed against a child.  

Malignant narcissist parents are very patient and very persistent in their quest to gradually insinuate their influence on a child’s thinking so that they may gain control of the child’s life and destroy it. In fact, they will do whatever it takes to create a false bond just to gain entry.  Keep that in mind if you have given a malignant narcissist parent the old heave ho and they are trying to slither their way back into your life – they will do anything or say anything to trick you into believing that there is a bond so that they can access your soul for destruction. Think of them as a Trojan Horse that will intrude and invade your inner life with bad thoughts.
Malignant narcissists sell a piece of their soul with every evil choice they make so by the time they reach adulthood they are soulless creatures - COMPLETELY EMPTY.  Since they lack a soul, they want to make sure that others are without one. And, there is no better ‘other’ to target than a child: as the purity of a child’s virtues puts them to shame. Further, the high they get from hurting an innocent child is a hell of a lot more intense than the one they would get from targeting a world-weary adult. This is why malignant narcissists stalk their own children; that and easy access.
Malignant narcissist parents also stalk their children’s souls in order to be human extensions - to live vicariously through them. Either way; the malignant narcissist parent gains in the transaction of the child's soul. They drain the child (kill life in the child), and leave them hollow (without a self) so that they can fill the child with themselves: be it as a dumping ground for their own toxic waste; or as a vessel to live their narcissistic fantasies through.
A few years ago I read a book by Marie-France Hirigoyen called Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity I found the book validating. The writer has a very compassionate approach toward the victim of narcissistic abuse/soul murder, and for the most part, does not attempt to get inside the victim’s head – she gives them the respect they deserve. Instead, Hirigoyen focuses on the abuser and looks at what may be going on in their sick minds.
As I read Stalking the Soul, I took point form notes of all the parts that helped me. So, In an effort to treat the soul stalking, soul murdering malignant narcissist as the pestilent, parasitic piece of shit that it is: I’ve decided to fire off an exhaustive summary of Stalking the Soul and weave in some quotes from M. Scott Peck’s, People of The Lie – that way we can invade the malignant narcissist's head space, and take a look at what's going on behind the vacant stare.

Soul Stalking - Soul Murder:
This lack of love in certain families, is a systematic destruction that batters a child and makes them want to die, it’s not simply an absence of love but an organized violence that the child not only endures but internalizes, to the point where he shifts the violence exerted upon him into self-destructive behaviour. (Stalking the Soul)

Evil people, refusing to acknowledge their own failures, actually desire to project their evil onto others, it is no wonder that children will misinterpret the process by hating themselves.
If evil people cannot be defined by the illegality of their deeds or magnitude of their sins, then how are we to define them? The answer is by the persistence and consistency of their sins. While usually subtle, their destructiveness is remarkably consistent. (People of The Lie)
Victims become dangerous adversaries when they begin to articulate what they have intuitively understood. The abuser then must SILENCE the victim.
Outright hostility later replaces ill will or malevolence if the victim reacts and tries to rebel. This is the phase of emotional abuse that has been called “psychoterror.” At this stage, any means or methods will be used, sometimes including psychical violence to destroy the designated victim. (Stalking the Soul)
Instead of destroying others they should be destroying the sickness in themselves. As life often threatens their self-image of perfection, evil people are often busily engaged in destroying and hating that life. (People of The Lie) 
The Malignant Narcissist as Stalker:
Stalking the Soul -
  • They have not matured and come into their own and they jealously observe those who have. Faced with their own emptiness, they try to destroy the happiness around them.
  • Prisoners of their own inflexible defense system, they can’t bear to see freedom in others. Unable to physically let go and enjoy themselves, they attempt to prevent others from natural pleasures.
  • They undermine simple relationships because of their inability to love.
  • Abusive narcissists need to triumph over and annihilate others in order to feel superior and accept themselves. They must destroy to find affirmation.
  • Their critical sense is highly developed, so they spend a lot of time criticising everyone and everything; this allows them to feel all powerful.
  • Their driving force in envy and their objective is taking over. To envy is to covet and to feel spiteful irritation at the sight of the happiness and the advantages of other people. We are dealing with an abusive mentality based on a perception of what the other possesses and they lack. The envious one is sick to see the other with material or spiritual benefits but he is more anxious to destroy than to acquire them for if they were his, he wouldn’t know what to do with them. Humiliating and disparaging the others suffices to make up the difference.
  • What abusers envy most is the other’s life. They want to dampen the vitality and enthusiasm of the people around them. Their deficiencies are shown up by the desires and vitality of the other. This is why abusers often chose as their victims people full of energy and love of life.
The evil attack others instead of facing their own failures. Spiritual growth requires the acknowledgement of one’s need to grow. If we cannot make that acknowledgement, we have no option except to eradicate the evidence of our imperfection. (People of The Lie)

The Malignant Narcissist’s Denial of Responsibility:
It is not their sins per se that characterize evil people; rather it is the subtlety and persistence and consistency of their sins. This is because the central defect of the evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge it. (People of The Lie)

Stalking the Soul -
  • Because they have no real subjectivity abusers consider themselves not responsible. They are as absent to others as they are to themselves. They’re never there for you. They aren’t even there for themselves. Abusers constantly deny reality, down to minute incidents of daily life.
  • Stalking and attacking others is a means of avoiding pain, sadness and depression.
  • Because they are not completely autonomous and are dependent on others, they stick close to people and fear separation. They refuse to acknowledge the devouring nature of their “clingy” behaviour which could lead to a negative perception of their own image – this explains their abusive conduct toward an overly kind and solicitous person.
  • Because they feel impotent, abusers fear the power they imagine others to have. They therefore ascribe to them, in an almost delirious and crazy sense, a malice that is only a projection of their own malevolence.
  • With the hatred projected onto a target (that soon becomes prey) it calms inner tension; this allows the emotional abuser to act pleasantly in the outside world.
  • This explains the astonishment, or even denial, of people who learn about the abusive actions of a close relation who had previously only shown his positive aspect. 
  • The evidence of the victim, seen in this light, hardly seems credible.
So there you have it – a peek inside the head space of the malignant narcissist. When I read this for the first time I felt mildly vindicated because the information confirmed what I had already intuitively sensed: that the world of the malignant narcissist is incredibly bleak.  Though, I would never pity them because they always appear to be doing just fine.
In People of The Lie, Peck touches on this “appearance”.

Who is to say what the evil suffer? It is consistently true that evil do not appear to suffer deeply. Because they cannot admit weakness or imperfection in themselves, they must appear this way. They must appear to themselves to be continually in command. Their narcissism demands it. Yet we know that they are not truly on top of things. Their appearance of competence is just that: an appearance. A pretence. Rather than being in command of themselves, it is their narcissism that is in command, always demanding, whipping them into maintaining the pretence of perfect health and wholeness.

The narcissists I've known always have made a show of how productive and busy they think they are. They also like to pathologize everyone around them while claiming to be high functioning. In fact, the sicker the narcissist, the thicker they lay on the pretence of health and wholeness. It’s rather satisfying to know that they are slaves to their narcissism.  No wonder they hate life and love in others - life and love equal freedom and they are prisoners of their pathology.
As Peck writes:

While evil people are still to be feared, they are also to be pitied. Forever fleeing the light of self-exposure and the voice of their own conscience, they are the most frightened of human beings. They live their lives in sheer terror. They need not be consigned to any hell; they are already in it.
This is something I try and remember. I have heard the terror and panic in the voice of a malignant narcissist who found out there was a witness to her crimes. I watched as she scrambled to pull off the most elaborate post-abuse cover-up, worthy of a Hitchcockian thriller. She telephoned people she had never even met and spread vicious rumours and lies about her victim in an effort to bury her crimes. Her main concern was NOT the evil deeds she had committed, but what complete strangers might find out about her behavior - for behavior always reflects a person's true character. 

I have seen proof positive that malignant narcissists are“the most frightened of human beings.” They are completely paranoid, not only by what their wisp of a conscience may reveal to them about themselves, but by what others will think of them. The live in holy terror of their narcissistic image being smashed to smithereens. It's as if the loss of their false self would kill them, for they don't have a true self. 

The evil are pathologically attached to the status quo of their personalities, which in their narcissism they consciously regard as perfect. I think it is quite possible that the evil may perceive even a small degree of change in their beloved selves as representing total annihilation. In this sense. the threat of criticism may feel to one who is evil synonymous with the threat of extinction. --- Ernest Becker, Escape from Evil.

When it comes right down to it; malignant narcissists are the weakest, most cowardly and most petrified creatures on the face of the earth. Once they know that you’re not intimidated by them, and that you’re on to them, and that they haven't snuffed-out the fight in you, they live in sheer terror of you… and that to me is a little piece of justice because they should be afraid - the victim holds the power of EXPOSING THE TRUTH.

Who's in control now narcs?!


  1. Thank you so very, very much for this post. I terminated my relationship with my MNmother many very ago. Consequently, I endured an 18 yr. "WAR" declared by her until her physical death. I moved repeatedly (employment-related) and she continued to stalk me by proxy (PI's, placing ads in the local paper in my very rural community where I held a high profile position asking for information about me, inviting collect calls so she had access to THEIR numbers and could call them at will etc.) She continued to bombard me with snail mail at each new address, called and denigrated me to my employers (resulting in my decision to resign from a position and career I loved), had my very unlisted phone tapped and gloating via snail mail to my address by repeating word for word my conversations with others within days of these phone calls etc.-I could go on and on. When she was unable to destroy me physically/mentally, she attempted to annihilate me professionally. My point is simply this: THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO THE PRACTICAL AS WELL AS THE PSYCHOLOGICAL ASPECTS of "stalking" by a MNmother....Your blog-and this post in particular was the first time I have seen any reference to MNs and their relentless-and I DO MEAN relentless stalking as manifested in actual physical activities. I'd love to find some other references to this kind of stalking by MNparents-if you have any you'd like to share please do and again, many, many thanks!

  2. Anonymous,
    Wow. My first thought is: for your sake, I'm glad your MNmother is dead. She was clearly very dangerous and her activities were blatantly criminal. But how are you supposed to lay "stalking" charges against your own mother? Would the law take her illegal activities seriously? Would they just dismiss the situation as an "overbearing" mother?? But that's what MNs do - they try and destroy others by any means possible. I've lived it!

    The stalking of you by your mother is a case for the Family Law Books. It should be studied in depth and laws should be passed. Little old ladies - aka so-called "mothers" - can be dangerous predators too.

    Kudos to you for "enduring" with your - "self" in tact. You must be incredibly strong and have nerves of steel... though I'm familiar with the mental and emotional distress that comes from all those lost years of being preyed-on.

    Stalking is a common behavior of MN parents and MNs in general. Though, I haven't found much information specifically on MN parents targeting Adult Children... It's definitely an issue that needs to be explored along with the existence of evil "mothers."

    You claimed your life and the crazy bitch lost her WAR! Thank you for sharing your story and I'm glad you found the information here useful. You're hellish experience is one that many of us can relate to.

  3. Again, many thanks. Truly, there were times when I really believed she would out-live me. A few yrs. after my late DHs death, I called a colleague-a psychiatrist whose work I respected-and requested she perform a forensic eval on the documentary evidence I had in my possession at the time. I had kept a string of snail mail letters from a particular month as I was again considering legal recourse. Generally all snail mail was deposited in the trash unread, including the nasty-grams she wrote on the backs of the envelopes for my rural delivery person to peruse. I also brought along the newspapers (several through out the county including Pennysaver-types in which the ads had appeared 3 yrs. previously) to our appointment. At that time I had terminated the relationship with MNm about 13 yrs. previously. Each and every provocation was consistently met with resounding silence. I left the documents with her and asked her to review them at her convenience. Three days later she called me at work for an appointment as soon as I was finished for the day. When we sat down in her office, the first question out of her mouth was, "What steps are you taking to ensure your physical safety?"

    Yeah, that bad, that scary-and what she read was merely the tip of the iceberg. Again, I can't thank you enough for articulating through your blog the dynamics of a true MALIGNANT narcissist; their evil knows no bounds. Their "Get Out Of Jail Free" card-"...but I'm her MOOOTHEER!" in combination with consummate acting skills, ambush attacks, $$$ resources to "buy" any, ahhhh "service" they desire-including potentially my death was as striking and appalling as their evil. Obviously, I have NO respect for PIs and others of their ilk. It appears our Constitutional Rights to be left in peace apparently don't apply when the stalker is a person with the label "mother."

  4. It would appear the next logical step in your MNmother's "criminal harassment" would be to take a hit out on you. Scary, sad but true! Her dangerous "pattern" of behavior would only escalate, and we've all read stories about people who have gone to the police fearing "family" members that wind-up dead. Everyone wonders why something wasn't done to prevent the tragedy?! She must have been quite the actress, and quite the con woman hiding her diabolical evil behind the role of "mother" - HEINOUS! And money sure helps. For some reason people apply more credibility to those with money. When money simply makes the corrupted more dangerous. Your story doesn't make me bat an eyelash but most people would probably wonder "Why??" "What did YOU do to MAKE her do this?" Your silence - which is the right thing to do - must have driven her more insane. And of course she scribed notes on the envelopes for the mail carriers to read... so typical. MNs will assasinate their victim's character any way they can.

    I don't even think of my MN mother and sister as mother or sister. I just lump them in the same catagory with all the other MNs I've been targeted by. They are MNs to me and nothing else. They are PREDATORS.

    I'm so very glad you surived your nightmare. Your story is important and I appreciate you sharing it on my blog. It's prompted me to write a post about the MNs predation as that is the most significant aspect of their pathology, and it's what separates them from the rest of the N clan.

    Thanks again for sharing and if you have any insights or other information thay you think might be helpful to readers I would love to hear it.

    Your story is not some "unique", or "bizarre" case. It is the reality of maligant narcissism which to me is indistinguishable from psychopathy.

  5. FWIW, just a few thoughts: If you are going to terminate a relationship with an MNparent do NOT expect them to simply fold up their "evil tent" and get on with their lives, perhaps selecting a new "target." In an effort to keep your options open-including possible legal recourse down the line-put it in writing (which I did, a short 4/5 line note indicating I did not wish to have any further contact with her) AND have your signature notarized, make several copies, utilize snail mail, return receipt/restricted delivery. Those steps alone will at least confirm the MN did receive your communication and can't wail, "But I didn't KNOW she didn't want to hear from me!" (As if years of no contact or response to her on my behalf didn't confirm the letter she received from me years previously.) In an ideal world, justice is "blind;" however in the real world the perception seems to be, "Oh, it's just a falling out between a little old lady mother and their adult kid." Expect your fears/concerns/legitimate basis for proffering charges against the offender to be minimized, rationalized, or offering the opportunity to re-victimize as you mentioned above: What did I DO to cause this "rift?" If my NM's behavior/actions were committed by anyone else besides mommy-dearest I firmly believe the perpetrator would be far more likely to be pursued, the victim and their rights protected etc. Additionally, as you can see from my previous posts, I was uncertain at times how to proceed knowing my MNm as well as I did. The legal recourse certainly was an option-yet there was a very deep truth/knowledge within me that ultimately led me to the "watchful waiting" option. MNm would have LOVED a legal battle; she would have thrived on the drama, her "center of attention" position (even negative attention is better than none), the knowledge she had disrupted my life, clearly accomplished one of her prominent goals (power and control a la a triumphant, "NOW I've got your attention! You CAN'T escape me you useless piece of shit daughter!) etc. I also considered the expense, time-consuming efforts/responsibilities on my part in terms of taking time off from work for court, infiltrating my daily life in an even more nefarious manner and so forth. And of course, no one can be arrested for what they MIGHT do-or pay to have done-to their victim. All of this narc-terrorism took place against the demands of my daily life which were far more immediate and far more worthy of my time, energy, resources. Each situation is different but ultimately we are the "best judge" of the options under consideration simply because of our life-long relationship (up to the NC point) with the MNparent. I had no doubt the legal option ultimately would not avail me of the desired outcome-being left in peace. Perhaps some people may feel standing up to the bully from a legal recourse would result in the MNbully backing off. Sadly, I knew this very likely would NOT happen with my MNm, the "payoff" to her enormous at great expense in every way to me. In other words, even if I had "won" the battle through legal recourse, I would have "lost" the "war". In true evil MN fashion not only was I placed in a classic double-bind, she was aware of exactly these dynamics which I believe guided her tactics throughout those 18 yrs. I hope this makes sense? In any event, keep your options open-sometimes it's a bit comforting to know we even have them.

  6. Thank you! Your comment is so well articulated and packed with good sense! You were very wise not to engage is a legal war with your evil Nmother. It is precisely what she was gunning for. It would give her ATTENTION and ACCESS to you. Plus she would have salivated over all the nasty legal tricks, delays, loop-holes, and mind-games. She would have no problem finding herself a Lawyer to drag out her vicious game.
    Also, like you wrote, it would have only taken away from your life. Your intelligence and strength as a person is what likely incited her irrational malice in the first place... that and her intrinsically evil nature as a malignant narcissist. I'm blown away that you endured her violence for 18 years without taking a hit out on HER!! Did it become normal after a while? Oh, here's another letter from psycho... warning employers about her before she strikes etc. What the hell was your childhood like!? But as a child she had control. You separating from her is what set-off her crazy stalking.

    The reality of MN parents stalking their adult children must be made public. It can't be ignored. The severity of their crimes must be taken seriously. If what happened to you was done by anyone else, particularly a man, it would be taken seriously. MN women know that women aren't seen as much of a threat and they take full advantage of that fact... that and the cloak of motherhood.

    You aren't alone in your experience and I have recently heard from someone who is being stalked by MN parent, on the run, and fearing for their life. Getting a restraining order only prompted them to hire a pricey lawyer to get it dismissed, as well as PIs to hunt them down.

    No matter what their methods are, Malignant narcissist parents are dangerous. Period. They are predators who hunt their children. I look forward to the day when a little old granny malignant narcissist mother makes worldwide news, takes the stand and is brought to justice. Here's hoping.

  7. No, it never did become "normal" so to speak because it simply wasn't! With time and distance I found my responses to her provocations-like doing my "f'n pdmother dance" in my living room (to the outside world, no response) became shorter, my emotional reactions less intense and of shorter duration. Indeed, she did ruin a career/position I loved and ultimately resigned from: I had a high-security clearance and worked out of the country regularly. The agency for whom I was working had a new Director appointed while I was out of the country and I had not yet met this person...but pdm sure did. She called him, indicated I had significant mental health problems, she could not believe they would allow someone like me to be armed etc. I was unaware of these phone calls for several months until I received my annual evaluation which was "outstanding." Nonetheless, I could not understand why I was unable to secure a transfer closer to home etc. The supervisor with whom I reviewed the performance eval looked very uncomfortable.....and then told me about my pdm's phone calls.....As this was a male dominated agency/profession I never discussed my personal life, never showed fear, weakness of any kind (including crying) so I retained my composure in front of him/my colleagues. I cried all the way home. You can not have even a whisper of mental instability working for that Agency: They won't outright fire you, but opportunities for promotion/transfer are effectively closed. I was well aware of this. When I arrived home and choked out the story to my late DH he was horrified-and very supportive in every way. I resigned with a very heavy heart about 6 wks. later. I remained unemployed for about a year and found another position. And yes, I did warn my new employer before hand if they received any phone calls from some woman claiming to be my mother to ignore them as the woman had lost custody of me years ago (which she did the day I terminated the relationship) and received a great deal of support from them. If she called, she would be told in no uncertain terms NOT to call there and if she persisted, she WOULD be arrested. To my knowledge she never called-she just contacted the SSA "looking for her daughter" who sent a letter to my work address, which in turn was opened "accidentally" by a support staff member who was an insatiable gossip....I just acted as if it was no big deal and essentially rendered that gossip no longer inviting. I terminated the relationship in 1984 and was alone, so to speak in working my way through this-no internet, self-help books etc. In my wildest dreams I could never have envisioned her destroying her adult d's career. My sense is she was unable to use the "prestige" of my position for supply, coupled with "How DARE you go on to have a successful life without me in it!" along with just plain evil intent to destroy me.
    It's the psychological terrorism that's so exhausting-yet OTOH, it also confirms absolutely the decision to terminate the relationship was the correct one if I ever had any deep, unconscious reservations. Despite that "war" I have never regretted my decision. Dealing with evil several times a year is still preferable to dealing with evil on a daily basis.

  8. Simply NOT normal. Yes! I suppose I meant "predictable" but that wouldn't be accurate either, as the essence of psychological terrorism is its unpredictability. Your story is not only horrific, it is heartbreaking. No one should have to endure being stalked at all, let alone for two decades! It's a travesty of justice that your mother was able to destroy a career position that you loved. But that's the thing about malignant narcissists, they target others with goals, accomplishments and success. If you have something you've work towards and that you love, the narcissist will make damn sure that they take it away from you. There is no question that you did the right thing in cutting her off.

  9. Thank you so much for everyone being so honest about dealing with a MN. I have recently cut off contact with my ignoring marcissistic mother and my MN father. Fortunately, I emailed the no contact rule directly to them several weeks ago. They responded quickly with a threat of a lawsuit for defamation of character unless I would enter therapy(Because of course I had a problem). I ignored the email at the suggestion of a very wise therapist and friend. a retaliation of a second email was made to me letting me know I was a coward for not responding to their offer. All the while my father was driving by my home stalking me and trying to contact my gentle and caring husband behind my back. I finally emailed them back letting them know I was aware of their actions and for the second time do not contact me. Finally, I received the email I was waiting for. My parents accused me of being crazy and told me to not contact them. A narcissist makes the rules or recreated new ones. Wow, really. I've been requesting this for a solid month. Do I really care who ends it...not as long as it ends. Well...2 weeks later I receive a knock on the front door. Lol and behold my father was at the front door. My family was all there, my husband, my 4 year old daughter and me. We refused to answer the door and I immediately called the police. My father left before the police arrived but I was able to show all email evidence that I requested no contact and his threats and response for no contact as well. Because he responded it is legal proof that he received my request. The officer called my father and told him that he broke the law tonight by trespassing and if he contacted me in any way...email, phone, or my home there would be a warrant for his arrest as well as charges for criminal trespassing. He told the police that he has done nothing wrong and he would see me in court. My purpose for posting this is to let others be aware of things they can do to protect themselves. All emails should be printed out and saved for the future. Any calls made, print out the phone bill. Keep as much record to what happened for future use with law enforcement. I truly think he we not try anything for a while. He has never gotten involved with legalities. I am still open to the notion that they have the resourse to handle things privately. The idea of this keeps me up at night. Although, he has attempted to try to intimidate and scare me. I am hopeful the threat of arrest with cause him to back off. He has now brought family members to do his dirty work for him. Other members are calling around creating havoc. I feel I am actually being stalked by all my narcisstic family members as well as the gullible family members that have believed the web they weave. I also felt it necessary to discuss this tragic situation b/c no one has mentioned a mn father. I am sad for the stories I am hearing and I am hopeful I have the documentation to protect my family. Only time will tell!!

  10. Anonymous, thank you for your comment. When dealing with pathologicals it's so important to put everything in writing, take notes, and document, document, document. Even things that seem harmless need to be recorded because eventually patterns are revealed in the pathological's behaviour, and it's the "pattern" that proves their behaviour is premeditated and carried out with the intent to imtimidate, threaten, harass and cause HARM. Even the actions and behaviours of the narcissist's cohorts need to be recorded - phone calls, conversations etc. This can prove that they are engaged in a vengeful "mobbing."

    I'm glad law enforcement has been helpful to you. They might not have been if it weren't for your evidence.

    What you describe is so typical of MNs. You call them on their behavior and take a stand to exercise your right to self-preservation, and they turn around and accuse you of doing EXACTLY what THEY have done to you. And then they go even further by making empty threats. It's all about CONTROL! They are all INSANE! And they ALWAYS project THEIR disturbed mental state onto the victim. It's classic MN behavior.

    You're right that no one has mentioned a predatory MN father here, but they exist and they all pull from the same bag of tricks. In some ways, an MN father acting out is easier to identify as threatening (to the law) than a manipulative MN mother who is stalking covertly over the phone, through mail etc. But it sounds like you have both going on. You're situation is horrible and I am truly sorry you are going through this.

    What I've learned about MNs is that they don't give up and go away. They are obsessive and delusional and they believe they are above the law. It's all about re-gaining CONTROL and WINNING at all cost. MNs are PREDATORS and they are dangerous to other's mental, emotionally, psychological and physical well being.

    Sadly, it seems the only way to find relief from these monsters is to go NO CONTACT and DISAPPEAR without a trace... but even that won't stop some of them from hunting you down. One course of action might be to advise EVERYONE in the Ns life and beyond, in a letter
    written by a hard nosed attorney explaining what is going on, and if they participate in the harassment, they too will be held accountable. Narcs hate exposure, they are terrified and paranoid of everyone knowing their true nature. If all their cohorts back off and say they don't want to be involved then perhaps the narcs will feel a little less powerful. Most "normal" people take legal threats seriously. Get the word out there, tell EVERYONE. Let them try going after you for defamation of character. HA! What a JOKE! It's not defamation if it's TRUE and you have the evidence.

    Also, get a video camera and record your father if he every comes around again. Get him threatening you on camera. I'm not suggesting you put yourself in danger, but MNs are deranged, idiots and they trip themselves up EASILY. Record it. Protect yourself but arm yourself with EVIDENCE because the behaviour usually escalates. So if you do see them in court there will be no disputing their crimes.

    These are just thoughts. If I was backed-up against a corner like you are, I would fight back and scare the shit out of THEM. But that's just me. I believe malignant narcissists are predators, and like any predator, they need to be whacked on the snout, have a loud shot ring out, and shocked and scared back into the woods. They get off on intimidating their victim. Do what you can to show that you're NOT intimidated. Unfortunately, you can't just ignore them because they are physically threatening.

    Stay safe, and get YOUR POWER BACK any LEGAL way you can.

  11. I found this blog when I was searching for reviews of the book "Stalking the Soul." Now I'm eagerly awaiting my used copy to be delivered in the mail ...

    Lisette, I wanted to send you an email to introduce myself and to ask you if you know of a poem called "Tricks with Mirrors." Unfortunately, I could not get the Contact button on your profile to work for me, so I have pasted my email below:

    "Dear Lisette,

    "I discovered your blog, House of Mirrors, a couple of weeks ago when I was busy (er, perhaps obsessed would be more accurate!) with searching the internet for books and articles on narcissism. It was only a hunch that led me on this search: you see, the person I wanted to understand--that is, the person I needed to name (and I don’t apologize for this), to label--had talked incessantly and almost entirely about himself. That was my beginning point. As I read more and more, many other pieces, other features of narcissism, started to fall into place. Now I understand better what hit me when I met this man. I won’t get into the details, though I will say that in only three intense months, I had to crawl away from him, withdraw from the world, and examine my reduced, battered and thoroughly confused self.

    "I know that my story doesn’t compare to having a parent or sibling--spending your entire childhood and beyond--with a person like my ex-boyfriend (whom I have taken to calling Houdini, due to his impressive talent for twisting and turning and re-defining reality to escape personal responsibility). Your blog entries about narcissistic family members, and the comments that follow, are at times, horrifying but always illuminating. Most importantly, for me, it is a place to feel comforted and validated and informed. Compared to some other information out there on the internet, including a particular message board that I joined, but that leaves me feeling disappointed and frustrated, I like your take on things: no victim-bashing, plenty of humanistic warmth and understanding, and the necessary exploration and analysis of these creatures. The intelligent analysis seems so vital to a mind that has been abused. And that is essentially what they do, isn’t it? Abuse the target’s very core or essence--his or her mind.

    "Anyway, that was a very long-winded intro to the practical purpose of my email. Since your tag line is “A look at the warped world of narcissism through literature, film, art, pop culture and personal experience” I wanted to ask if you know the poem “Tricks with Mirrors” by Margaret Atwood? It’s a poem I’ve liked for years (especially in the context of the entire collection, You are Happy), and which I understood to be a portrait of the destructive way certain men view the women they “love.” Now I see it is also a metaphor for narcissistic abuse. I was going to transcribe it for you, but fortunately, it is available here: http://restlesssoma.com.au/restlesssoma/index.php?topic=1341.0

    I especially like the stanzas that begin with the line, “Think about the frame”.

    "Again, I want to thank you for making your thoughts, insight and research available to us through your blog."


  12. Hello Morag and welcome,
    I'm very glad you found the blog, and I hope you find comfort, validation and the information you need to help you move forward from the N insanity. Whether it's 3 months, 3 years or 3 decades... these Ns will leave us battered and confused, and wondering; what the hell just happened?! They really do mess with that which is truly ours alone - our minds.

    Discovering narcissism, and doing some intelligent analysis of these "Houdinis" can be quite liberating. They are fascinating monsters so it's very natural to become obsessed with the information.

    Thank you for telling me about the poem "Tricks with Mirrors" by Margaret Atwood. I've always been an Atwood fan and I love the poem! It's a beautiful expression of narcissistic abuse. I got shivers when I read it. We're all just mirrors to the narcissist. Their reality is based purely on what's reflected back to them. They're just a fragile image those Ns. And sadly, they're not capable of "thinking about the frame.." But boy, do they love to smash the mirror when they don't like what they see.

    Thank you for your comment, and the poem. I'm going to read the You are Happy collection, and I'd love to post "Tricks with Mirrors" for other readers to enjoy. The mirror aspect of narcissism is worthy of a mega post!

  13. "But boy, do they love to smash the mirror when they don't like what they see."

    Yes, exactly! That's it, in a nut shell. And whether the violence is physical or verbal, it is always violent--they smash. Such a shock. Then they add another shock to the shock by saying that they didn't, in fact, smash you. Poof! Reality is no longer reality. Which reminds me of another piece of literature, this one by Ruth Rendell, called "A Sight for Sore Eyes" which is a really good, chilling book, about a murderous narcissist. In the movie version of the novel, there's a scene where his girlfriend realizes she's been unwittingly trapped in his upside-down reality, and all she can do to find her strength is to repeat: "My name is Elise, and I exist; my name is Elise, and I exist ..." Interestingly, there is also a scene in the film involving mirrors. It's in a high-end shoe store, and as the Narcissist and his girlfriend move through the merchandise and mirrors, you can't tell where they are positioned in space or where one person ends and the other begins. Disorienting. Yes, it really is the perfect metaphor.

    Thanks for welcoming me, Lisette.


  14. First of all this is an awesome Blog, very informative! Thank-You Lisette for all the hard work here.

    I have been stalked by my narcissist sister in-law for over 10 years now (ever since she married my brother). It started with her trying to mimic my every move; dress like me, then talk like me... if I bought a new phone she would buy exactly the same, she even named her cat after my cat. She tried to steal the affections of my husband 9luckily he's no ignoramus), my children, my friends, my birthright even my ex - husband...what ever I do she tries to do the same, then in her warped mind claims to do it better. When she heard I went to church she all of a sudden became this BIG Christian.

    For the last+/- four years I have absolutely severed all contact with her (and my brother too) they have been in the UK for the last six years and I am in South Africa. But she is still to this day relentless in her pursuits and will try to find communicate and interact with absolutely anyone and everyone she can find who is currently (or even previously) associated with me. I have even limited communication with my mother in-case she happens to mention it to my brother who in turn mentions it to this psycho bitch who use it and twist it against me (no matter how trivial the info might be). Unfortunately this has caused a massive divide between my mother, brother and little niece (my father has been dead since I was 12 so my family is very small).

    Merely severing ties and staying away from her simply does NOT WORK. As I say it's been years since I last spoke to her but she nonetheless continues relentlessly to provoke my attention.

    I would like to know the best possible way to retaliate and teach her a lesson that she will NEVER forget (short of flying across there and beating her within an inch of her life). My brother is not oblivious to her illness he said he would do his best to make her leave me alone but he admits that he just ignores her and works hard... one day when the time is right in his mind he will give her a good kick in the ass.

    Where is she going to find another guy like him? He is ten years younger than her, he raises the four kids (only one of them is his) he does the washing, cleaning, cooking and wipes her ass whilst she sits there looking on as if butter would not melt in her mouth. Yet behind closed doors she slaps him, kicks him, bites him, spits at him, cheats on him, not to mention ridicules him mocks him and belittles him in public.

    Note: The issues described in the above are only the tip of the iceberg.

  15. First of all this is an awesome Blog, very informative! Thank-You Lisette for all the hard work here.

    I have been stalked by my narcissist sister in-law for over 10 years now (ever since she married my brother). It started with her trying to mimic my every move; dress like me, then talk like me... if I bought a new phone she would buy exactly the same, she even named her cat after my cat. She tried to steal the affections of my husband (luckily he is no ignoramus), my children, my friends, my birthright even my ex - husband...what ever I do she tries to do the same, then in her warped mind claims to do it better. When she heard I went to church she all of a sudden became this BIG Christian.

    For the last+/- four years I have absolutely severed all contact with her (and my brother too) they have been in the UK for the last six years and I am in South Africa. But she is still to this day relentless in her pursuits and will try to find communicate and interact with absolutely anyone and everyone she can find who is currently (or even previously) associated with me. I have even limited communication with my mother in-case she happens to mention it to my brother who in turn mentions it to this psycho bitch who use it and twist it against me (no matter how trivial the info might be). Unfortunately this has caused a massive divide between my mother, brother and little niece (my father has been dead since I was 12 so my family is very small).

    Merely severing ties and staying away from her simply does NOT WORK. As I say it's been years since I last spoke to her but she nonetheless continues relentlessly to provoke my attention.

    I would like to know the best possible way to retaliate and teach her a lesson that she will NEVER forget (short of flying across there and beating her within an inch of her life). My brother is not oblivious to her illness he said he would do his best to make her leave me alone but he admits that he just ignores her and works hard... one day when the time is right in his mind he will give her a good kick in the ass.

    Where is she going to find another guy like him? He is ten years younger than her, he raises the four kids (only one of them is his) he does the washing, cleaning, cooking and wipes her ass whilst she sits there looking on as if butter would not melt in her mouth. Yet behind closed doors she slaps him, kicks him, bites him, spits at him, cheats on him, not to mention ridicules him mocks him and belittles him in public.

    Note: The issues described in the above are only the tip of the iceberg.

  16. Hey Lisette - Just thought I'd pop in! I'm perusing around, looking for information on stalking, came across this post of yours. Great article. I'm trying to collect info about the type of stalking tactics narcs use, and how tricky it can be to present the information to the police (or anybody really) because people are always so unwilling to see that what the narcs are doing is, in fact, stalking. This was a helpful post on my quest!

  17. Hey Jonsi, Glad the post helped. It IS really difficult to present the information to the police. I was stalked by two MNs for over 2 years in the building where I lived. One of their favourite tactics was gaslighting. For example, they used to vacuum right in front of my apartment, and no where else in the building, at least once a week. What the hell was I going to say to the police? These people vacuum too much?! Anyway, the matter went to landlord and tenant court and I won. These idiots actually handed me the evidence I needed. They use to obsessively monitor my every move on the building's video surveillance system, and one day they handed me a photo of myself printed off the system, just to let me know they were watching me. There are so many ways these sickos stalk. From my experience, the most distressing tactics are the ones that "appear" benign. One thing worth mentioning is that the court officer (a lawyer) who decided the outcome of my case, made note that there was a PATTERN in the defendent's behavior and that proved INTENT to intimidate me and violate my privacy. I'm sure you have enough of your own evidence to prove a pattern, but if you can gather people who the narc has used to get to you, to make statements, even if they are unwilling to accept that what the narc did was stalking, you can use the statements to strengthen your case. As far as this legal stuff goes, you can "summon" witnesses. They will have no choice but to tell the truth of what went down.

    1. Ah, all very helpful and pertinent information Lisette, thanks. This is crucial to what they do, in my opinion, "From my experience, the most distressing tactics are the ones that "appear" benign." Absolutely. Perfect example is EFIl and L sending cards to our kids - I plan on calling the police when the next set of cards roll in, but I'm trying to figure out how best to explain to them why a set of birthday cards or Christmas cards in this case should be treated as stalking/harassment. Because it appears SO benign. But I'm pretty determined.

      I've got a binder full of my very carefully documented information over the past few years, which includes printouts of all the emails they've sent, cards they've sent, and transcripts of voice mails. And if there is an issue, I'm going to explain that, if this were say, an ex-boyfriend sending me cards and flowers and shit, people would have a problem with it. Just because these people are related to my husband doesn't mean this is any less heinous.

      The pattern thing is crucial - And I can show that there is a pattern in their behavior with my binder chock full o' evidence. It just pisses me off that I even have to do this - that this shit takes up any of my mental space (or shelf-space.) And it's only a matter of time before they strike again. EFIL said it himself in one of his creepy voicemails to my husband on his work phone: He's not giving up, he's not going to "go quietly into the night" and we should "expect him to be around." I've got all those things recorded too, since he left them on voice mails. The evidence is piling up.

      Thanks for the help!

    2. Hi, Lisette,
      I'm trying to register for your forum, because it's such a helpful blog!

    3. Gina, I don't have a forum. The blog is it. Is there a forum out there using my name, or are you just referring to my blog? I'm a little confused.

    4. Hi, Lisette,
      I'm referring to your blog here. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. I'm very happy that I could register now, because some time ago there appeared the note "you are not invited to this blog". I was very unhappy about this, because I had read your posts & watched the video of Frank Ochberg before.

      Thanks for your helpful work!!!

    5. I took a break for a while and set my blog to private but it was just laying dormant. That's probably when you received the message. Anyway, welcome! I'm glad you're here, and thank you for the positive feedback.

  18. I think you would find the FB group grans4kids interesting. Its a woman who uses the page to stalk her estranged son and his family, including his minor children. She posts their names, school, ages, town they kive in and encourages others to get photos and info about the children , who she has never met, for her. It is shocking FB has allowed it to continue.

    1. Sounds like typical MN mother/grandmother behavior. She must be feeding on all the attention/sympathy she gets. There's a reason her son wants nothing to do with her, and the FB page is proof of that.

  19. It is like you wrote this knowing my mother precisely. I am ensuring this now as is my younger brother. Trying to get me mentally institutionalized, making up fake diagnosis of myself as well as my brother so she can try to control what others think about us so we will are never to be heard or taken seriously. Slandering me to friends, family and working relationships... and now to a court system. She spent years calling the police making false accusations starting when I was a teen claiming I was running away when in fact she had thrown me out and now at age 39, I found my foster sister and learned that my mother lied to social services claiming my sister was always running away resulting in her returning to the foster care system all while lying to me saying my sister left to live with her biological mother. She alienated me from family and now learning she has done the same with my brother. She lied saying her brother, my favorite Uncle, had been caught molesting his kids but I found from his ex wife that this was untrue. She tried to sell me or give me away to a man from the middle East when I was 17. She was caught multiple times cheating on my step father and I finally learned the truth as to why he left. He contacted the other man's wife, my mother found out so she tried to report him to therapist as molesting my brother and I which he never once did. She was caught having an affair with her best friend's husband and when confronted she cried that he raped her. She destroys people, plays like she controls every relationship and every communication between people. She projects herself on me and people get confused wondering who is telling the truth...her or me. She has shut down my business website, broken into my business emails, hacked into systems and has made every effort to destroy my business. I am living a life of firefighter mode while waiting for either her or I to die so that I may finally have some peace. There is no autonomy. There is no Defining myself. There is no protection. There is no place to hide. She has this intense, vindictive agenda against me, trying to contact my therapist (repeatedly), contacts my lawyer to slander me and anybody associated with me who does not side with her will pay serious consequences... Especially if they have a business because she is a web developer who employs a team of IT gurus. I would not be surprised if she has hired PI's. She uses every form of stalking she can and I have no clue what legal measures I can do to protect myself and my family.